Being a role model for well being

The importance of finding and being role models in changing burnout culture and burnout behaviors

Allison Tsao, and I spoke about leading with more humanity in the workplace in Episode 38 and a large part of that leadership is being a role model. Often we think about role models as aspirational, larger than life characters Oprah Winfrey, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton.

But everyday role models, people like you, are an essential part of individual behavior change and culture change. Cultural change comes from social norms which are created when a certain number of people are acting in a certain way. So the more women leaders we have who are focused on leading with humanity and demonstrate how to do that, the more social norms will change. For women leaders in particular the sheers numbers might be particularly important because we don’t necessarily lead with noise. For example, Angela Merckl and Jacininta Adhern, are leading quietly. This was pointed out in a hilarious Why do so many incompetent men become leaders? | Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic | TEDxUniversityofNevada , who explained that the noise men made about their leadership inherently made them poorer leaders. 

But as well as the influence of role models on culture and social norms, role models play a vital role in behavior change. In science speak, two important mediators of behavior change are self efficacy and mastery. This means before you can develop a new habit successfully you need to have the skills and confidence to do it. The way you develop the skills is often by role playing, practice and trial and error and the way you develop the confidence to try these new skills is to see others like you mostly succeeding at doing these skills. There is not a perfect role model so let’s let go of that expectation for yourself as a role model and in the role models you seek. 

The old adage, See one, do one, teach one makes sense. You first need to see someone else doing the thing before you want to try it yourself.

There are so many ways that we can be positive and negative role models as a leader, wife, and mother. And we need to see good examples of healthy leadership, healthy relationships, and healthy motherhood to be able to be the change we want to see. We need to see, be it and show it to others. 

So I think first accepting as a burned out working mom who is over-giving, over-thinking, over-working, over-achieving, overwhelmed and in over-drive that we may not be setting the example we want to, to our colleagues or children. And yes this might feel like piling guilt upon our already overladen plate. But guilt is sometimes the prompt we need that the behavior we are doing could be different. I was just working as hard as I could to be the best mom, wife, and boss I could be. But I didn’t realize that role modeling endless hard work, with no limits and no expression or recognition of my needs was not helpful, especially to my daughter. When Glennon Doyle asked, is this the life you want for your daughter, this martyr to motherhood, my response was absolutely not. I did not wish my life on her. It was a wake up call. And as my parenting coach sometimes had to remind me, if you can’t do it for yourself, at least do it to set a better example for your kids.

And as we start to realize the different behaviors we can adopt to help reduce our burnout we can also value how adopting those behaviors will help others too. A 2 for 1. 

So let’s start with what Allison shared in last week’s episode about role models and leading with humanity:

Yesterday I was clever and I wanted to change the world. And today I am wise, so I am changing myself. And so a lot of my own personal transformation journey, as well as the journey I've seen organizations through all requires the bravery to confront that if you really want to change the system, you must start with changing yourself. Changing your mindset, the way you view the world, the way you think about things, perhaps some of your biases. And or blind spots. And once you start to do the work on yourself, the system will start to change as a result. And so when we talk about systems change, a lot of times leaders can be tempted to say, everyone else needs to change, or we need to change processes and policies. 

And so that's essentially the crux of my transformational process is really human centric, helping people to engage more individually first with the change that they desire on behalf of the system. And using themselves as an instrument to change; self as instrument to change, we like to call it. In order to impact that system. 

Do you, as a leader, firstly, believe that in order for the system to change that you yourself play a role in that? That's probably the biggest question I ask leaders early on. If the leader continues to believe that change must happen outside of them. That's where we start to get incongruences, because when that leader will start to lead that change, their people will start to ask for role modeling. I need my leader to role model and walk the talk of change. And that typically tends to be the disconnect and where change programs start to fall down is when me as an employee in the organization, looking around at my leaders and saying, wait, you expect all of this of me, but I don't see you doing any of this. So why should I try so hard? 

And to be honest, some people don't even know what the change looks like that you're asking for. So above and beyond that they can also see, oh, that's what you mean by shared leadership or innovation or more trust or inclusion when they see you actually demonstrating it.

The only thing that I can do is be the change I want to see. The magical thing starts to happen. And I talked to a lot of my clients about this in my coaching is that if you stop focusing on how you want to change the other person and you focus on how you want to change yourself. By sheer magic your interaction with that person will change because you have changed the pattern. You have disrupted the pattern of how you engage. If you can change the way you interact, that's an invitation to somebody else for them to change the way they've interacted with you in the past as well. And that's how change happens. 

So many people that I coach is that when they've decided to act or behave differently than they normally would, the entire interaction will change. You imagine if you started to do that then with groups of people. You imagine you have that conversation with groups of white men who typically sit in positions of power and authority in our organizations and our systems. You could imagine how much systemic change could happen. So you start to see then how individual work can start to translate into systemic work.

Once individuals can start to see the system and start to see the role that they play in the system, then they can make more self-aware choices on how to influence or disrupt the system. Because many of us think that we are, just going along for the ride or don't have a lot of influence in the systems we live in, but that kind of herd thinking then leads to no change. And so we need enough people to say actually, as an individual as a part of a system, I can affect change if I'm brave enough. And self-aware enough, self-aware enough to disrupt it.

I think one of the points Allison made that really resonated with me was How do you role model the behaviors you want to see when how your operationalize those behaviors is often missing. I have ranted about this before, on the Tilted Podcast an expert in management said, we Just need more compassionate managers. Just is a trigger word for me. Just do it Nike says. And guess what, less than 10% of the country are meeting PA guidelines, so you know, just do it doesn’t work! I remember screaming into void, what does that even mean? Compassionate managers. What does that look like?

Compassion is one example. Anti-racism is another example where people struggle to know and recognize the specific behaviors, especially if they don’t behaviors, don’t touch a black woman’s hair. The absence of a behavior can be challenging to notice. Active listening, unless you are looking for the specific behaviors like reflecting back, and know that’s what you are looking to see examples of, then it can be hard to recognize in the flow of a conversation. Trust, how is that operationalized? So I think if you are struggling to role model these behaviors or struggling to find role models that makes sense. That’s why really breaking down what you want to do into specific behaviors is key.

So the STAR program out of Harvard – support, transform, achieve, results - is an example of behavior based supervisor program. See Episode 2. This program recognize for a manager to be effective they needed to role model bringing your whole self to work and role model leaving work behind when you left.

You first start with assessing the behaviors you think will demonstrate bringing your whole self to work, pictures of the kids, including school pick in your schedule, leaving for a play performance or doctor appointment. Then you also role model setting limits on work, not sending emails after hours, not working late or weekends. And then in particular, STAR gave the same autonomy to employees to set their own schedule, and managers checked in with employees about their work-life situation. By the managers role modeling this, employees saw that the behavior was accepted and normal, and that also created the psychological safety for employees to share their own situation and receive more compassion and understanding for their needs.

While I used to role model the bringing my whole self to work, and in a 360 evaluation many female employees appreciated this, I did not model the limits on my time, although I did remind others to set limits on theirs. If you listened to Prof Kate Murray’s episode 36 on this she, pointed out the hypocrisy in this. So keeping yourself accountable to the limits you want others to demonstrate is important. And you can demonstrate boundaries in so many ways. I though Hannah Badland did a great job of telling people, I leave at this time so put my topic on the agenda before I leave. And she said if they don’t value my time and my input, then they don’t value my advice so their loss. But you could also convey this in an out of office reply ‘I only check my emails Tuesdays and Thursdays, please be patient’. I know this example might seem crazy, but for an mompreneur who controls her schedule, what an amazing example to set! This example was from Dr Amber Thornton The Power of No on Work Like A Mother Podcast.

So that’s role modeling specific skills and specific limits or boundaries. And sometimes with kids you have to visually draw those boundaries around your space to show kids what you mean. And then your kids can take the same tool to school, and draw a boundary around their personal space for example.

Role modeling saying no is also important. I had a colleague who declared to me she had done a year of no’s. How I wish I had known that earlier. Again some of these behaviors we are doing but not publicizing in case we feel we will be penalized. But sharing those tips with trusted colleagues provides a fantastic role model for others. I recently did an episode on saying no to unpaid work and it takes time to develop the language you are comfortable with, but every time you role model saying “I don’t accept unpaid work as it undervalues my service and takes energy away from my ability to do my paid job well”, especially when this is well received then others can see that and it gives them permission and confidence to try. That’s definitely a point to note, often women do not stand up for what they need as they have seen their role models be penalized for doing so. While painful, it could indicate that you take a different approach or that more people need to do it until a tipping point is reached. Hence the importance of role modeling to create contagion.

You can also role modeling to give permission to others. For example, role modeling taking a break from your kids for a week. I try to talk about this one a lot, whenever I get a break. Because it gives other permission to do the same thing. Especially if they can look at you and say she’s a good mom and she puts her needs first.

Role modeling asking for help is another important one for burnout. Asking for help can be hard, but when you ask a friend for help, you are actually role modeling to her that it’s ok to ask for help.

Role modeling helping others may be easier than asking for help for your own needs. This can be particularly important when you role model interrupting bias. It may be easier to point other when someone else is the victim of bias than when you are, likewise you might feel more comfortable promoting someone else’s achievements rather than your own. But role modeling looking out for each other can result in someone looking out for you. Remember you may have to do it a little loudly for it to be notice.

Role modeling to be a representative of a group is also important. You may not have to do specific behaviors, but simply you being present in a certain space, at a leadership table show’s others. They know they can be it because they see it. 

Now this can put pressure on many minority representatives to stay in positions that are not healthy because they want to be a role model for others to succeed. And they can be expected to be representative of a single group that has many characteristics. But if you can ask, would I want someone else to be in this role, given how I am feeling? Might help give your permission to step down. It is also so important not to be the only one. As one female leader declared, she would no longer take on positions if there was not at least one other woman present. There’s a role model for change.

I thought these recommendations for role models for STEM careers were important.

Even if you are not the representative of the group, like Professor Kate Murray did with her curriculum, she included representatives in her materials and invited representatives to share the stage with her so she could show role models. 

I also thought a recent article by Wendy Robinson featured in the Culture Study newsletter by Anne Helen Petersen was insightful. An overweight peloton user appreciated that she could feel safe attending classes because other overweight cyclists were in class. There were enough role models that she felt a sense of belonging. And even though instructors where careful about their weight related language, there were no overweight instructors who could demonstrate how to set up the bike for her size and shape. Having instructors who look like you is vital. This is why in my research on physical activity, we employed older adults to lead the groups, and we did the group context. People inspired each other. In one case in a if you can do it I can do it scenario. Where a very elderly lady was still walking despite her skeletal challenges, inspiring a younger old lady that she could also do it given her better health. 

Role models across the generations are helpful. I found speaking with older women helpful because they role modeled seeing the big picture when you look back in time. But many women have commented on how they admire younger women for their ability to set boundaries and ask for what they want, and they gain inspiration to try the same. If they can do that with less skills and years of experience, why can’t I?

An important part of burnout recovery is finding your tribe. Group coaching can be particularly beneficial to find other moms like you. They role model the mess and success, and provide examples of behaviors you can try, and normalize the barriers you are facing. In my podcasting group, I also appreciate the role models who are further along than me, they show me that if I follow the same path, I can have the same success. But be careful of competitive comparisons that make you feel inadequate because you have not yet achieved their success. Successful people can make you feel inspired or inadequate, that why its so important to show you are human and share your missteps.

I have particularly appreciated when experts role model making mistakes and growing, for example Janice Gassam Asare in her book the Pink Elephant on anti-racism created a post script that said, after writing this book I discovered some of my language was inappropriate for some groups, Orientals Aboriginals, I have updated my understanding to say First Nations People etc. She could have taken the wrong wording out of her book, but instead she wrote the post script to demonstrate that we all make mistakes and that our learning is on going, such an important point in her sphere of work.

Now role modeling won’t always result in change it could simply be planting seeds for future change, or won’t result in someone recognizing the role you played, it may be a silent ripple. But it is having an impact, and sharing what you do to have a more balanced life is so important, instead of sharing how busy you are. Ask other moms how do they make it work, instead of assuming they have it all together. Give them the chance to share that they don’t volunteer at school, that they aren’t the one making dinner.

We don’t have enough role models for bring your whole self to work or for servant leadership because these values are not rewarded and can even be penalized. But recently a female colleague was appointed as a division chief, instead of an elderly man, and her vision was not to grow the department or bring in more funds or increase the ranking, her mission was to focus on the well-being of current faculty. She told me this story and I am telling you. That is how change happens. Through sharing our stories not hiding them. Role models are doing it. Not thinking about it. And when you need to move into action, follow in the footsteps of a role model.