How to reduce working mom guilt
I appreciated this thoughtful and compelling article by Lara Bazelon about the tension many mothers experience between their career ambitions and motherhood.
Lara drew on her memories of her mother and her friend’s mother in the 1970s. I recently interviewed older working moms from the 1940s to 1970s. What we both discovered was that the struggles were still the same for moms, then as now.
I have felt this conflict for the past 13 years. As a university professor, highly funded researcher, and top 1% of most cited scientists worldwide I had an ambitious, competitive career in academia. I was passionate about my subject; public health.
But I always feared my kids were getting second best from me. And it was much harder to have patience when I was overworked…
But during the pandemic, when both the kids and I were working from home, I reminded my daughter that she could disturb my work at any time, she was my #1 priority. She needed to hear this as she was struggling too.
When I read Lean In, I learned about the benefits children gain from a working mom, some mentioned by Lara. For example, that boys see role models for more shared household responsibilities, if moms have a supportive partner.
But my male colleague, who shares the parenting role equally, described that he did the same tasks as his wife without the guilt. It was real, he said, his wife would be judged if she was not at a school event.
I ended up experiencing both work burnout and parenting burnout. I felt overwhelmed and inadequate in both arenas. I left my job and started to work from home, not to spend more time with my kids, but to have more control of my decisions and to learn to value what I could bring.
I continued in public health, helping other academics write research grants. But when I discovered burnout and saw the connection with my experience, particularly as a working mom, I started working on solutions. Once again, I am passionate about this work, it can be all consuming. But I have learned to set boundaries around it. If I am in the middle of something I ask the kids to hold their thought, I finish the email and then I turn my attention fully to them. I focus, I listen.
When my work overtakes me that’s when I feel conflicted. But I also took a week off from parenting last summer. I didn’t take any responsibility for the 100 tasks of parenting and managing the household, outlined by @Eve Rodsky. And my brain worked so much better when I was able to focus. It made me realize the challenge of the mental load each day.
So here’s some things you can do to help reduce the guilt:
Understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt can guide you when you have done something specific that maybe you want to do differently. Shame is not related to your actions but when you label yourself a bad mom, bad wife, bad colleague. A coach can help you identify these differences and provide perspective. I wrote down all the things I did for everyone around me and could see I was not ‘doing’ badly.
Shame is a limiting self belief and one way to let such thoughts go is to write down the belief and burn it in a ritual. Make that conscious contract with yourself to let it go. It then takes practice to stop it creeping in.
If family members support and positively affirm the importance of your work and recognize the efforts you make as a mother that can help. You need to ask them to do this. After I discovered my love language was positive affirmations my husband made an effort to do this more.
Find a way to take a break from parenting. Again a coach can help give you permission to do this. You can ask an employer to subsidize a coach.
Workplaces should acknowledge the challenges parents face, provide paid leave for all caregivers, and subsidize childcare. In return they will receive loyalty and all the amazing skills parents bring such as collaboration, creativity and compassion.
Teams need to value the work non-parents have to do and provide equal flexibility and opportunity to all employees.
In society we need to stop portraying moms as superheros and dad’s as less capable caregivers. Initiatives such as child tax credits would demonstrate the value of parenting.
Being a martyr to motherhood is not a helpful role model for our daughters, in particular. But we need support from all levels of society to put our needs first, including any desire we have to fulfill our career ambitions.
Source: THE END OF MOM GUILT: Why a mother’s ambition is good for her family
