Teaching service with attention to self-care

Parenting like it matters: How to raise joyful changing making girls by Dr Janice Johnson Dias

I had mixed feelings going into this book by Dr Janice Johnson Dias (JJD) “Parenting like it matters: How to raise joyful changing making girls”. My colleague Olivia Affuso recommended it (see her TED talk). JJD is a researcher and community activist like myself, so I was interested to learn about her experiences with youth programs, particularly for girls, and her advice for raising a change maker daughter. Her own daughter is a successful change maker, collecting and sharing over 1000 books with Black girls as the main character to inspire others.

Ever since being voted Prime Minister for the day at my boarding school at 10 years old, I have wanted to change the world. I would often notice injustices for example caged birds at a Christmas market, where I marched up to the organizer and voiced my protest. But I did not really find my change making passion until I discovered public health and behavior change science. I was inspired by a mentor who also wanted to change the world; so we embarked on several international studies to document differences in walkability around the globe with a view to informing transportation and planning policies around street designs. I worked on policy projects in schools and cities. I sat on advisory boards for the San Diego Regional Plan, for the Residential Leadership Academy, for the AARP California Livable Communities. In my own projects, I empowered older adults to be peer leaders of a walking program and community advocates. I volunteered in my kids’ school. But all this passion did not prevent me burning out. My new passion is Overcoming Working Mom Burnout. I am putting any spare time I have into this mission; hosting a podcast, writing, preparing a TED talk. For me, self care isn’t the solution, I want the world to change so that working moms have the support to succeed as much as working dads, at home, at work, and in society at large. I recognize the fulfillment I experience when I work on this project, but I also recognize the work that may lead to burnout.

So how do I model to my daughter a desire to change the world but with boundaries and limits to protect my health, my ability to sustain this effort? The premise of JJD’s book is that we should give our daughters this opportunity. To give them the security and confidence to be all they can be, including serving a community cause. Given the messaging already given to girls about putting others first, I am slightly uncomfortable with this premise. I realized that I was often telling my kids to put others first, the messaging I had received as a child. It wasn’t a message or model to help others, rather just don’t be selfish, don’t inconvenience other people with your needs. It taught me to be a people pleaser. When I burned out, I realized that I needed to adjust this messaging to my kids to be kind to others, see if other people need help, but don’t forget to put your own oxygen mask on first. In particular, I can see that my daughter has superpowers in observing people and emotions. And she is great at expressing her own. She is also industrious, even on the beach. She has energy and curiosity and loves to help others. But I don’t want her to feel the pressure, as the t-shirt my mother bought her, of ‘wanting to change the world’. Making small differences in individuals’ lives also has momentous impact. Yet, my model of societal level change for working mom burnout, is not satisfied with that change. 

Importantly, JJDs book starts with saying to help our daughters, we have to parent intentionally, like it matters. This I can totally support. When I burned out from both work and parenting, one of my needs was to be the parent I wanted to be. I did not know what that was, I just knew I did not like how I was parenting: controlling, authoritarian, shaming. Through parenting books and coaching, I learned to let go of these tendencies and parent by reflecting my kids back to them and being more compassionate than controlling. To be honest, some of my controlling parenting matched the advice JJD gives; outside time, limited screen time, lots of reading and developmental opportunities. I have learned to be less controlling of these things, as often the kids just need a break from anything organized, but they are still part of my value system that I try to pass on, just less often. So in some ways, JJDs advice left me feeling like a bad parent, that I had not stuck to these values enough. That in itself was a good reminder to myself to evaluate where I was at with my parenting intentions and to see why I felt guilty; what else would I like to be doing and how much time do I have to dedicate to it? Because all this impactful parenting takes time. I feel like I have delegated some of it through my kids’ school which is a project-based learning philosophy. For example after a field trip downtown my daughter’s class is focusing on a project to help the homeless.

I think a very important message from JJD is that you need to parent with joy as well as purpose. This is where I struggle. I find parenting a chore and like one example from her book, the mother was waiting to enjoy her life in retirement when she could let go of her parenting responsibilities. This resonated closely for me. Yet when my daughter is 18, I will be 60. I don’t want to feel like the next 10 years are going to be a chore, yet I don’t know how to find joy in my parenting. I know doing less and expecting less is part of it. Asking for more help is part of it. Taking a break from parenting is part of it. But I don’t feel I am on the path to joy yet. JJDs own family example of a single child and equally invested partner, certainly makes finding joy easier. But she also provided examples of single mothers, finding joy with their daughter. As one coach advised me: do more things with your kids that you both like to do. Those are the times when I feel joy, an art class with my daughter for example. But the challenge in our family is two kids with very differing interests and ages and a partner who grew up with very little parenting who thinks the kids don’t need developmental support on my level. And I have to respect that.

A really important lesson from the book is letting your kids’ personalities emerge. JJD provides many examples of girls who behaved a certain way in front of their parents and who emerged with different interests when they participated in the Grassroots summer camps. We had to learn that my son did not enjoy team sports. But that he loved music and theatre. During Covid he was able to emerge even more strongly as an independent learner (he loves controlling his own schedule), as a writer, and as a comedian. When he didn’t have to be in class around other kids, and had to send video presentations to his teacher, she reported that she got to know him a lot more, and that his funny personality emerged. While there is still an expectation to have some extra-curricular activities to help him have a diverse set of interests and limit his focus on video games, I let him decide. He was able to express that he found play practices boring and repetitive. Instead of lecturing him about the importance of practice for learning and achievement, I enrolled him in a teen improv comedy class which he loves. 

During Covid, my daughter’s personality as a social creature emerged. She shut down without the social interaction at school, and her teacher explained to me that academics didn’t motivate her, but she loved being a leader and helper in class. She didn’t like the team sports either, at least as a younger student, because there was never time to chat! She is born to be a change maker. And I need to find the energy to help organize play dates and take her to dance and parkour. 

JJD writes about the importance of giving your child an identity as grounding, as well as physical and emotional safety. I certainly grew up with the strength of my Scottish heritage but also as a citizen of the world. My kids are aware of my heritage and I hope I can share more European travel with them. I would love for them to be able to play in a piazza and get their own ice cream without fear. In particular, JJD shares providing her daughter with the confidence to own her space in the world, and not be made smaller by racist micro-aggressions. I always appreciate reading about these experiences for mothers and girls of color to remind me of the challenges they face, that me and my daughter do not. I know without experiencing them I can not fully understand, but I do acknowledge these differences and hope that I can address them through my work by elevating the voices of Black mothers and by including their stories in my work.

My daughter has already started to question the way we treat her compared to her brother, so we are having conversations about how men and women do have different opportunities and challenges but that currently women are still very biased against in many environments. She told me of a boy at school who said girls have no rights. I sent a note to her teacher sharing the ideas for discussion from World Girls’ Rights Day. Even her brother claimed ‘feminists complain about video games not being designed for them, but do nothing about it.’ I explained why they might not have that opportunity, and what feminists were. But I think a topic not discussed in the book, but which I can imagine JJD has experienced in her camps, is siblings. While we try to let both kids have a voice, it is hard to ignore how often an older sibling can crush that voice. I try to intercede, but again the parenting advice is to let kids work this out themselves. Knowing when to model speaking up is a challenge for me that JJD seemed to fully embrace – voicing her opinions to her daughter so that she knew to question things and knew her parents’ values. I am often careful to not my voice criticism for fear that I am modeling being judgmental rather than compassionate. 

In addition to the book, JJD provides a wonderful PDF of activities. As I read these, I realize there are some I already try to do: eye contact level listening, hand written love you notes, talk about volunteering in family meetings, sending thank you letters. But there were also ideas that I sometimes practice myself but had not thought to share with my daughter: adjectives taped to the mirror, a positive mantra, vision board. Plus a whole host of new ideas: friendship criteria, ally building, emotional and physical safety list.

JJDs book ends with examples of the social action projects that the participants in her Grassroots project have led. She shows the combination of girls’ interests with community needs. For example, the basketball player who collected clothes for the homeless through basketball event. These projects brought tears to my eyes. Yes, there is so much good that can come from letting our daughters lead and flourish as change makers. But while we teach compassion for others, we must also emphasize self-compassion in these high achieving leaders.