Saying no to unpaid work

Taking back control to prevent burnout when the system is letting you down

Dr Kate Murray a psychology professor focused on equity and inclusion, spoke a lot about systems change in Episode 36. We can all agree the system is broken for working moms, especially in the US. There are social expectations to be a supermom, but no government support for childcare or paid leave. There is the expectation to work like you have no kids and parent like you have no job. Yet the maternal wall and the motherhood penalty exist, They are systematic biases and stereotypes built into the system by society, caused by lack of objective criteria and processes, which are then reinforced by market rates. Lack of reward and workplace injustice are major contributors to burnout identified by Dr Christine Maslach. And the system at home is broken for many couples who do not share the parenting load equally. This lack of equality in the home, within an outwardly democratic society, contributes to parental burnout according to Dr Isabelle Roskam. 

So the system at all levels is broken. Despite this becoming very apparent during the pandemic, most leaders in organizations and government, believe that there is no pay or promotion gap and seem to think that corrective action is somehow not fair, even though the system as it exists is not fair. They seem to believe that these problems were resolved in the 70s. And this status quo drives me insane! And since they are not systematically assessing the problem, collecting data, they can deny the problem exists.

So it’s really depressing right? And what I have discovered is when you point this out to women, many feel disempowered. They don’t want to be a victim of the system. They believe if they work hard, harder than anyone around them, they will succeed. And yes you might succeed, but at what cost? When you get to the table you might be burned out or have experienced other illnesses as Deepa Purthalon found in her book the First, the Few, the Only. Or as Reshma Saujani found in her book Pay Up, women in tech could not reach the upper echelons because their pathways were blocked by bias and stereotypes. So again, really depressing. And again, a fact that most leaders and parents deny. Kim Kardashian’s recent get of your butts and work harder symbolizes this status quo. And this status quo drives me insane! 

And I’ll admit before my burnout I was working with exactly the same mindset. I worked harder than anyone and succeeded, against the odds. And when women came to me trying to understand why only men’s voices were being heard, why they were being called aggressive or paranoid, why they missed out on opportunities my response was work harder. I blamed myself for my failures so I also thought they were to blame for theirs. Work harder and you’ll get there, even if it takes you longer, you’ll bring more to the table when you arrive, more empathy for those who like you are struggling. What BS. You’ll arrive burned out, having compromised on your values, and resentful as hell. Or at least I did.

So changing the system is really important to me. Yet I know it is so challenging. But I thought Kate’s approach to changing the system was so hopeful, so empowering. She told us to simply ask what can I do from where I am? This can be applied to how you try to change the system, in that each individual can make choices to change something within their control that impacts the system. But it also applies to taking back control of your priorities, your workload, and your life. Many women who I have worked with have to press a reset button on what they are doing to prevent burnout. It then allows them to take back control and then see more clearly what is out of their control, and they may still change their job, but from a position of power and choice, not running out the door with their hair on fire like I did.

So here’s some of Prof Kate Murray’s message, then I will outline what to give up at work, the unpaid work, the over-giving which does not help our careers and leads to burn out. All while considering that when we act in counter stereotypical ways, we can be penalized. This is where Yes and Assess can help.

So here’s Kate’s perspective:

I think I try to inject that in the systems where I have any control or power. I set those expectations with my staff in terms of putting boundaries around work. And if you're being paid for 20 hours, then do 20 hours of work. I really try to make that explicit in any relationship where I have the power to control that. 

Probably the hardest thing for me to do is to find the space to not just be reactionary, to set that weekly agenda of these are my priority items. These are the things I want to get through. How do I create that agenda for myself rather than open my email inbox and say, oh, someone else has created my agenda. And I think a piece of that is tracking and knowing where you're at. If we don't track it, it's like it doesn't exist. 

So I guess I always come back to that sort of mantra, that these are huge, massive issues, and there's really no shortage of complex, messy stuff that we're facing in the world today. But that question of what can you do? Where you are with whatever skills or resources you have. I think again, the bigger the systems get the harder and I guess the more difficult change feels. So I keep coming back to what can I do? 

As an academic, I can create changes in my classroom, then my research program really focuses on issues of equity and inclusion quite explicitly. And then I guess at my service roles, but teaching is probably where I have the most control. So a huge part of my work has been around revising curriculums and revising what we're teaching. We have a very narrow view in psychology, most intro psych books are from a long list of esteemed white men who have shaped our understanding. But there's a whole host of other people who've done really important, meaningful work women and people of color and people from all over the world. And so a big part for me is that curriculum needs to share that diversity. I also hope that through curriculum changes that more students see themselves represented within those professions.

It is our collective responsibility to identify where we do have power and control and where we can make those incremental changes and it can be about anything, right? And to recognize that each of us making change creates larger movement. Because I do believe that most societal change happens from those small groups of people who are putting that ball in motion. I want to do what I can, where I am. And in whatever way that looks like. And I guess that's how I manage my own anxiety, concern is trying to move into more action. So think about that. Who are you, what are your skills? What do you bring to the table? And what do you want to do with that?

Kate is obviously very calm and considered. Ok, so what can us hot heads do?

1.Stop being the office party organizer is such an important one. Yes it might get you seen. Yes it might demonstrate your organizational skills. But as a colleague in academia discovered, if you are known for organizing parties not your research skills then it is not going to lead to more collaborations, grants, publications or promotions. Sure if you want to gain skills in event coordination then do it. But it doesn’t usually give you the opportunity to connect with leadership that you think it will. And if does they see you as the party girl, not the proficient researcher, marketeer, or systems analyst. They don’t take you seriously. And such events are so time consuming with zero reward. There are people whose job it is to do this. This is not your job. You can be supportive by making a referral to an expert. If they don’t want to pay for an outside company to help, then clearly it is not a priority. Everything has a cost and at the moment the cost is probably your mental and physical health.

 I remember a student being asked to organize a seminar. She was an advanced graduate student, had organized many large scale meetings, and did not need this experience. She recommended a more junior male student. She was asked again. She had to say no 3 times. I supported her to say no. It is not easy. But she was clear. This will not contribute to the work I am paid to do.

2.Stop doing other office administrative tasks. This is one that weighs down a lot of physicians and other client based services. Because of the strain such tasks puts on physicians, the National Academy of Medicine burnout guidelines includes reducing such tasks through additional staffing or technology. One colleague would schedule her own patients, but the men in her department used an assistant to do this. This is where you have to make the problem someone else’s for system wide action to be taken. If you keep doing these tasks, on top of your normal work hours, then you are not spending your time using your most important skills. And leaders do not see that they need to solve this problem. When my colleague started using the assistant to schedule her patients, the assistant was properly able to convey to leadership that more help was needed. Patients pay so getting them scheduled was a priority for leadership. Make sure you are not doing tasks, for which someone else is equally or more qualified, that the company will readily pay for or find technical solutions for. If we don’t push back and set boundaries around our time, using our time to focus on our core billable skills, then we become less valuable to the organization. 

3.Stop serving on committees or unpaid ERGs. This is one of the biggest hurdles for women in academia. Committee service is usually a requirement for promotion. Although some universities see it differently, for example at the Harvard Kennedy School Dr Iris Bohnet pays faculty for their university and community service in addition to their teaching and research roles. Recently I asked a professor who was struggling to meet her research goals and who was clearly burning out, how many committees are you on? 4, including being chair of probably more than 1. And I bet she contributes to those committees greatly, and is an awesome chair. But the requirement for promotion is 1 committee. And leadership can be demonstrated within your field by being invited as a speaker. Chairing a committee is a wasted leadership opportunity, with no potential broader recognition. I know it sounds Machiavellian to make every decision based on its impact. But that is exactly what I recommend companies to do, focus only on tasks that have impact on your bottom line. As an individual your bottom line is preventing burnout and being rewarded appropriately for your work. 

In companies, ERGs can pose a similar problem. You serve on an ERG because you are passionate about a specific cause and want to help others suffering from this issue. But if this cause is not valuable enough to your organization for them to pay for your time to support it, whether that is in pay, promotion, or reallocation of workload, then they do not deserve your support.

So often women of color are expected to serve without pay, often in a token role, and as the only women of color. Often they are expected to represent all women, and all women of color and often with the pressure of solving widescale systematic problems without appropriate resources. And they feel the pressure to act as a role model who made it to the table. These stresses are immense, it’s lonely. And these are not the conditions that lead to fulfillment.

Service and supporting others can be a core value we hold. Although it can also be a societal expectation and stereotype that we are unaware is in our programing. But people pleasing and over giving can lead to burnout. That’s not to say that if your cup is full and you are in a season when you can give, then great. But if you are overextended and resentful then it is time to resign. People resign from their commitments all the time. Will you be seen as less committed? But committed to what? Is what you are working on really contributing to a mission you value? 

Colleagues who have given up extra roles and committed to the minimum, realize no one even notices that they are doing less. Seriously, what you are doing in these non essential roles is not valued, it is not noticed, if you give it up no one will notice. Most people around you are too busy focusing on furthering their own careers. A key way to work out what is the minimum is to run it through a mediocre man filter. It works. I colleague recently was reviewing 30 books as part of her book proposal. It was slowing down her completion of her proposal. I asked how many would a mediocre man review as part of this process? 2 she said. Exactly. She knew straight away that answer. So fine, double it because often women do have to work 2.5x as hard to succeed but don’t do it 10x over. 

And on this topic ask yourself this, would a mediocre man feel guilty for not volunteering? No! It would not have even crossed his mind again after saying. So you shouldn’t feel guilty either or expend your valuable time on ruminating or beating yourself up for not volunteering!

So we know the stereotypes persist. How do you avoid being penalized for saying no when as women we are expected to be compliant? One strategy that can help is yes and assess. Say you’ll consider the opportunity, give it a go, and report back whether it is something you want to commit your valuable time to. Make sure you schedule the review meeting and keep asking, why is this a priority and how is its value operationalized. This is a sophisticated: show me the money speech. When you do say no, you will likely have to say no at least 3 times, so keep practicing and keep asking, which of my priorities should I give up to do this and why should it be a priority for me? You can even ask what benefits will it bring to me or my team and how will you demonstrate those benefits. You definitely, have to have stock sentences prepared and practice to see which ones feel good and are well received.

If you are stuck in a service role that is not being recognized then make sure you think about ways to elevate its importance. Again women are penalized if they self promote, but if you create a best practice guide or a lessons learned guide and share it with others including key leaders this is a stealth way to self promote, or send an email to leaders saying I just wanted to give you the opportunity to recognize the hard work me and my team have put into this event. We will be taking two PTO days in recognition of this extra effort, but if you have any ideas for other ways the organization can recognize this commitment to our work… etc. Again, it is going to feel cheesy at first but if you say nothing you will definitely get nothing. And while you may be penalized for saying something, you are already being penalized anyway for being a women or a mom, so at least have given yourself chance for a positive outcome. For ideas on self promotion see Episode 22.

So not only can volunteering make us feel good, but we also know it helps make many organizations work. Such as schools. You feel you can’t say no, what if everyone said fuck it? Well.. if everyone stopped, the system would have to change. Women in Iceland protested equal pay in the 80s, for a whole day they did nothing, and the system changed. Your compliance actually creates complicity. So support other women to say no and perhaps make an agreement together to say no.

And while you are probably doing an amazing job leading an unpaid initiative. You are not the only person who could do this. That’s your ego talking. And it’s your martyr role and your need to be needed. But someone else’s less than good approach is probably totally sufficient. Are you really helping when you over give or over commit? I was not a better leader when I took on too much leadership. And are you even taking away opportunities for others to rise, to use their skills, however imperfectly in your mind. And don’t step in when they mess up. It is no longer your problem. 

Your hour, no matter how much you get paid is as valuable as anyone else’s hour. Your time is not less valuable because you are paid less. Everyone has the same 24 hours a day. You don’t have more time than your partner to do all the tasks you do at home. Eve’s Rodsky’s book Fairplay taught me this and I stopped thinking that I had to do more because I was paid less. And started noticing that I didn’t have more time I just chose to give myself less time. 

I am so proud of the women who have realized they are living a lie and who are now saying, I am going to stay for now, but I am only going to focus only on the bare essentials. I am going to take back my weekends and my evenings. I am going to keep getting paid, but I am going to use my work hours to skill up, to get professional coaching, and to work out where I go from here. If your company or organization is contributing to your burnout they don’t deserve to have your time, let alone your spare time. You can take back control of what you choose to spend your time on.

So a key tool in this whole process is tracking. Track how often you say yes and how often you say no. Every time. Every little yes, and every big no. This will help you see how often you say yes without even realizing it. Seriously, this will take some paying attention to. How often do you say, Oh I can do that. Or not even that, just doing it without even being asked. So start to track everything you do and how long it takes. Everything. It will take a while to set up the excel file at first because your list is going to be so damn long but it will get easier. So start tracking and do it for at least a month to reveal the patterns and make the time investment worth it. Then you’ll see you say yes too often, and you are asked to do more too often No wonder you are frazzled. It is ridiculous.  This was such an important revelation for me. It helped me own my decisions and see I was not a victim, yes was a choice. 

Once you have your shit list, then start to give ratings to what you do. Is this essential to your goals or your organizations? Is it even impactful? Is this out of obligation? Do you enjoy it and by how much out of 10? Once you get a better picture you can start to set yourself targets.  I know a colleague who did a year of no’s. And she still rose to department chair. How about 3 no's for every yes. Or only yes to 10/10 activities. Not only do you have to stop taking on less valuable work, you probably need to let go of 30% of what you are doing. 4 committees? Only do 1. That’s a 75% reduction. Let go of non essential tasks. And while you are figuring out what is essential you will start to realize what is important to you and your organization, which will help you have those discussions about why you are saying no. And as you start to make clearer more conscious decisions, you’ll be able to track and see the change resulting in feeling a greater sense of control and maybe even purpose. You need to protect the asset, but to do that you have to start to value yourself as an asset.

Kate was very purposeful with her time. She set her own agenda. She chose teaching as the place she could best control changing the system. She didn’t need the rest of the system to approve it or align to it. She just needed to change the course content to be more inclusive and students changed how they saw themselves. When you consciously make a decision to give up unpaid work, you too are changing the system.

I know I am being directive here, telling you what to do, which I hate. But hopefully, you can also see this as a permission slip to do less and as a reinforcement of your true value. 

And as one coach told me recently, if you don’t charge for your time, your time will not be valued, if an organization does not value your time, they will not value your advice, if they don’t value your advice they will not act upon it and your mission to change that organization will not be realized. So I promised her and myself, no more freebies!