Touched by a Book on ‘Tending’

I had the honor of reading the pre-publication PDF of Amy Henderson’s book Tending: Parenthood and the Future of Work. I heard about her book and organization TendLab through the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs website and webinar and then I heard her interviewed by Eve Rodsky. I appreciate the work of these women to promote other women’s work. Amy is a gentle soul with a clear mission: to help caregivers in the workplace by supportive policies and practices but also by changing social norms around the talents that caregivers bring (multi-tasking, compassion, collaboration, listening).

Amy experienced terrible trauma during her peace corps service in Malawi where she had to decide which starving baby to provide food to, when there was not enough food to go around. She then worked on a social movement YesWeCode to promote coding in black youth, with the Rockstar Prince. She described being at his concert at the end of a demanding launch, with her boobs painfully full of breast milk, too exhausted to enjoy the moment. Unfortunately, this is the vision I have of mothers who work on impactful projects – depleted after serving everyone else’s needs. And this is a question I asked Amy and I am trying to answer myself: How do we balance passion with parenting when both are all consuming and equally important?

After Amy’s third child, she started interviewing working mothers and then fathers about how they had successful careers and balanced parenting. I love that her first step was to connect. My first step was to read. Amy does lots of reading too, and I am trying to build up the courage to connect. But it made me try to value the differences between us and start to own my unique approach and see where my comfort zone was.

Amy did an amazing job describing the raw emotions of motherhood. It made me feel that vulnerability too. I kept wanting to reach out and touch my daughter. Her book created an automatic impulse in me to check that my daughter was ok. It reminded me of the times when she would look up at me with such a sweet face, appealing to me before she could talk and before I could understand. Her book brought up all those ever present feelings of being a bad mother.

Amy described a childcare situation that she discovered was less than ideal, a common situation for working moms in the US where childcare is expensive and scarce. I also had a nanny who did not treat my daughter appropriately. She had a large bruise on face from walking into a table. She wasn’t normally clumsy. Then when I was standing talking to the nanny in the yard, after returning from a trip to DC and having been awake since 2 in the morning, she let my daughter fall on her back and hit the back of her head on the concrete; saying ‘see, she is not listening to me or cooperating’. I asked her to leave as calmly as I could. I then took the next 3 weeks off work to be with her and to take enough time to find a replacement nanny. My daughter’s safety and well being came first. I did not care what work it disrupted. Over the next few days as I just hugged and hugged her, I noticed how scared she was, she would run away from loud noises. It felt devastating to have unwittingly put her at this risk. We went through an agency which cost more, but which we were lucky to be able to afford. Recently, my daughter was upset because she couldn’t do something and didn’t want to disturb me on a work call. I reminded her, ‘You always come first. Please know that. You are more important than my work’.

Amy’s book asks you to question your own relationship with parenting. Being a working mom creates a lot of internal conflict for many moms. I think the kids understand that I want to work because I am trying to help others. My son recently said ‘I am proud that you are trying to help other moms’. They used to enjoy days at the university campus, having lunch or dinner in the cafeteria with the students, seeing the different engineering projects in action. They also really liked the way I described leaving the university and firing myself. I was still in charge. Funnily enough, both of them can’t wait to become parents. In contrast, I never wanted kids. I don’t know how to convey to them in a positive way that parenting is hard, without making them feel a burden. I wish I had know beforehand how hard. I wish I had known what to expect and that being a mess was ok.

Amy talked about her transformation into a motherhood. She realized that resisting the feelings she did not want to feel no longer served her. She needed to let feelings in, not just for herself but to show her children how to feel. She gathered stories of other strong women unravelling in the motherhood process and succeeding by learning to find a new person that was emerging. The process is perhaps like the metamorphosis a butterfly goes through; from worker (caterpillar), to mom (chrysalis), to working mom (butterfly). Amy learned to embrace the transformation and draw strength from it. An important message of her work is that parents learn new skills and bring more to the workplace because of their experience. I was trying to help Amy’s organization communicate these new skills in a fun way. I thought a Parent-worker certificate could say:

‘Certified parent-employee’:

I am good at listening (even if you whine or shout or speaking incoherently)

I have empathy (even if I told you 10 times not to do the thing that brought you pain)

I am creative (I can magic solutions out of thin air if you have tape and scissors)

I am a problem-solver (even under pressure when the stakes are high, like barbie has lost a leg)

I am collaborative (even if you don’t want to share your toys, I can bring out the best in you)

But I think an important message form these transformational processes for Amy was that if she could develop greater self knowledge and master new skills, she also believed others could too. She believes that we can change the world. And her suggestions for how workplaces can do this is clear:

1. Model from the top: show that caring is valued by company leadership

2. Provide equal parental leave for all parents

3. Provide miscarriage leave

4. Provide caregiver and bereavement leave

5. Be thoughtful about supporting caregivers who are going out and returning from leave

6. Resource caregivers’ co-workers when a caregiver goes out on leave

7. Don’t assume a one-size-fits-all approach will work

8. Stay attuned to your caregivers’ work experience

9. Establish caregiver Employee Resource Groups (ERGs)

10. Intentionally recruit and hire caregivers

11. Have a company-wide policy enabling stigma-free flexible work arrangements

Finally Amy’s book described the process of creating a space where other female founders (and some men), working to change the world for women, could co-exist in solidarity: FamTech. Her description of these women and the support and engagement they provided, made me realize that this was the type of group I needed to be surrounded by to succeed. Where women could admit:

“I’ve founded and run successful ventures before. But this is my first time running a business with a deeply personal mission. And it takes a much greater toll on me, because I care about it so much.”

Amy’s book ends with hope. Of course! Amy’s whole being exudes gentle hope. She writes:

I hope you hear the resonance of the message I’ve poured into these pages.

YES I cheered in reply.

I hope something I’ve shared has touched a tender place within you in need of companionship.

YES I cheered in reply.

I hope you know you are not alone and I hope you feel called to action.

YES I cheered in reply.

You are part of a much bigger story that needs you.

THANK YOU I cheered in reply.