Top 4 books for Parenting change
Positive Discipline Jane Nelson
The Conscious Parent Dr Shefali Tsabary
The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read Philippa Perry
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Feel like you are always shouting at your kids?
I have tried so hard to be patient and calm with my kids but I don’t always succeed. I had to learn to accept my kids’ messiness and that they would not always follow the rules. Allowing them this self expression was important. We also had to learn to find consequences that motivated them to do the right thing, instead of unrelated punishments. I read many parenting books but Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline had specific, actionable advice. It was also supported by our kids' school, so it was important that we transitioned our parenting at home, in line with the discipline at school. In particular, I learned that my kids behaving due to fear of punishment, was not teaching them the values I wanted. And fear was more likely to hinder honesty and open communication. It is still hard to communicate consequences and the kids still think they are going to get into trouble! But we’re being consistent and learning together.
Don’t like how you parent?
It took me a while to realize that the shame I was feeling in how I was handling my kids came from me being the type of parent I knew but did not want to be. When I set my own parenting values and realized I did not want to control my kids, I started to learn how to parent differently. The Conscious Parent Dr Shefali Tsabary explained how I could break the parenting cycle that was passed down to me. I did not have to be controlling and authoritarian. In particular, she described parenting not as teaching or improving your kids but as reflecting them back to themselves. I had not felt seen or heard so often. This message to see them and show them who they are was so empowering for me. It relieved me of the pressure of being the educator and instead let me be a mirror, listening to what my kids were interested in, noticing their way of doing things. I have learned so much from trying to understand my son’s neurodiverse view of the world. and from trying to support his self esteem challenges. Dr Tsabary encourages us to learn from your children. To help me reflect my kids back to themselves, I wrote down a list of their strengths and I try to notice and comment when they show their strengths. I also learned from a family therapist to show the kids that they are already who they want to be. They don’t have to wait to get a job or a degree to be a writer or coder or artist. They can be that person now through summer camps, online courses, entering competitions etc.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read really hit home to me the importance of letting your child express their emotions. She tied emotions to needs, and needs to wants. It suddenly made sense that suppressing my emotions had disconnected me from my wants in life. As a mom you often put other’s needs first, but if you don’t recognize your emotions and share what you are feeling with others they can not see what you are struggling with or what you enjoy. People are more likely to be able to help you when they understand what you are going through.
Another parenting book that is as much about your parents as your own parenting is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay. In this book the author outlines some behaviors that may have made you feel neglected as a child and that you could also consider avoiding as a parent including: Emotionally immature (EI) parents don’t know what to do with hurt feelings. Instead of sitting with you and letting you get it all out, EI parents typically offer superficial solutions, tell you not to worry. You can feel trapped by their superficial style of relating. They expect you to accept second place when it comes to their needs. They elevate their own interests to the point that yours feel downgraded. They coerce you with shame, guilt, or silence until you do what they want. Even though EI parents hide their vulnerable feelings, they can show plenty of intense emotion when they fight with their partner, or fly into a fury with their kids. EI parents don’t really understand the point of boundaries. They think boundaries imply rejection, meaning you don’t care enough about them to give them free access to your life. This is why they act incredulous, offended, or hurt if you ask them to respect your needs. Even when you’re grown, they expect you to remain their compliant child. Apologizing, seeking reconciliation, and making amends are among the strenuous emotional labors that sustain healthy long-term relationships. But because EI parents lack interest in relationship repairs, reconnection efforts may fall to you. Instead of amends or apologies, EI parents often make things worse by projecting blame, accusing others, and disowning responsibility for their behavior (just a joke) Instead of enjoying their child’s accomplishments, EI parents can react in ways that take the shine off the child’s pride. They also are famous for deflating their children’s dreams. If you recognize some of these behaviors then you may not have had the best relationship or example of how to form a relationship.
I have also written blogs about Parenting like it matters: How to raise joyful changing making girls by Dr Janice Johnson Dias
