E12: Speaking up about the ‘small things’
with behavioral scientist Dr Gina Merchant
Key Takeways
I was able to find a connection with a woman who is an incredible leader, a mother. She just had a way that she carried herself that was very unapologetic. She's tall. She takes up space. And she immediately asked me about me.
Unfortunately there can be instances in the workforce where there's a competitiveness where women feel like they have to compete because there's not as many seats at the table. And so I'm always on guard.
Pumping at work is very practical, like logistical, it's operational; there's timing, there's supplies, there's space. I had never pumped before. And so there's a lot of vulnerability there. There's things like: are my breasts gonna explode in a meeting? Am I leaking? How do I get this milk cold as quickly as possible? Do I just put it in the refrigerator? I just had so many questions.
I didn't really understand the policies when I first came back. No one had told me where to find that information. I got really frustrated when people would say we're meeting the requirements. And I would go to this one pumping room and it was in the engineering section of the campus. And there were these three women and we would all be in there at the same time. Let me tell you what it's like when there's three women who don't know each other who are all trying to relax, have let down. And then there's a fridge that is only going to hold so many bottles of milk. You have to clean your supplies. And then if I walk into another meeting on campus, does that meeting location have a refrigerator? You have to think about all these things, the planning doesn't begin and end with checking boxes on a state mandated spreadsheet, you have to really talk to those stakeholders who are the working moms and have a really comprehensive plan.
I still feel that today where I'll get these like paper cut, I hate the word micro sexism. It's just sexism. Things will happen to us in our working day or at the grocery store or wherever. And we're like, oh, did I do something? What could I have done differently? And so I remember that there were like all these little things where I was asking myself like, oh, did I, was I too aggressive? Or did I step out of my lane? And then finally there was enough of these situations and I was paying attention, trying to be as objective as possible. Is this man trying to put me in a corner and assert his either intellectual authority, power authority or just dominance?
If he's being put in a position of authority over a person who's trying to be groomed or trained, and then he has these issues with control, sexism then that person and the person particularly was also a woman, her growth and her maturation and all of these wonderful things that she's expecting to have happen are going to be stunted and maybe she's going to quit.
I eventually shared with him directly my thoughts. I remember practicing it, and he just didn't get it. It was basically like, oh, that's all in my head. I don't know what I'm talking about. I think that I felt compelled to escalate it for that principled reason, like you mentioned before to try to really protect future people.
I've had tons of sexism in industry, but I think that type of intersection of intellectual superiority and the male ego in an academic environment felt very suffocating and offensive to me because I know how hard I worked and I know how smart and how dedicated I was to my craft and to feel like someone was trying to step on me in that way was just really hurtful.
Every way I feel we turned or could turn, there was a man in charge. And I think that's part of the problem.
You have to practice. No matter your circumstance, be honest and authentic in your feedback, because otherwise you're doing not just yourself a disservice, but the other person really. Once you practice giving that radical candor feedback in the moment, you'll get better at it. And so you just mentioned you “failed” and I would say that's just one step on that ladder of you learning how to do better next time. It's part of the process.
I actually ended up doing something that I never thought I would end up doing, which was drinking too much. It crept up on me slowly. I'm very aware of what alcoholic drinking looks like. But for moms in particular, it's mommy wine time. Oh my gosh, you had such a long day. You work full time. Look at all these things you're juggling. And so I just became a nightly wine drinker and it wasn't serving me and I knew it, but it definitely took reading Glennon Doyle's book, reading a book called This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, We are the luckiest by Laura McCowen.
I think I had lost touch with who I am. And this is also related to what I'm in now, which is recovery as an adult child of an alcoholic. I started going to therapy and that has transformed my life more than I ever thought. I just didn't know what was on the other side, but becoming a mom was a huge trigger for me.
I've always been an achiever. I used to have this phrase that I would say as an athlete, I wouldn't want to compete against me, which just tell you what kind of athlete I was. And I think that, for folks who are medically trained doctors or PhD trained doctors, you're very competitive and you're very driven, but the downside is that you often don't give yourself space to feel.
I could see that in order for me to be the best mother and to also mother myself, which if I can't mother myself, then I can't be the best mother I can be to my children. And it's really important that I can heal that within myself so that I can equip my children with, Hey, when you're struggling, you don't have to go it alone. I'm just here for you. I'm not going to be gone on a drunken escapade. I'm not going to be, passed out, hung over.
The thing about a working mom that really bothers me is, there's this concept of selflessness. Glennon Doyle said that's the biggest insult you could ever levy. I don't want to be absent of self. So I'm not being selfish when I say I'm mothering myself. Doing any of that is actually the most loving and giving thing that I could ever do for my family. And we just need to change the conversation because it's just so misplaced. Don't be a martyr be a role model. Especially to our daughters. You're role modeling self love. And wouldn't we want our kids to do that for themselves and have that for themselves?
I think a practical piece of advice from a workplace standpoint would be documentation. I've always cared about documentation from a data analysis perspective. And so whatever line of work you're in taking that same approach to some of the interpersonal sides of your workplace.
I think from a social activism standpoint, I look at how much privilege I have as a white woman. And I always ask myself what can I do to do my part to unburden black women and women of color from having to do that activism and educational role. I try to elevate the voices of other women, particularly black women to show that intersectionality. And then also to speak out, because I think just if you want to just say like you're against sexism, you have to actively be anti-sexist anti patriarchal.
I think finding where you are comfortable, like a great example, one-on-one conversations. So you'll have a family member just say something that's like slightly off, like slightly sexist, slightly racist, whatever it is. And you don't have to confront their beliefs. You don't have to go off on a monologue. You can just say, I don't agree with you and that makes me feel really uncomfortable and let's just not talk about that.
We talked about being labeled aggressive as a white woman, you're a leader but you’re actually being labeled bossy. You're assertive. And then I think if I were a Black woman, not only would I be labeled aggressive, I could potentially be labeled dangerous or angry. And so I think recognizing that privilege. I know people think I'm not racist, it's not my fault that I was born white. And it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility.
Bio
Dr. Gina Merchant is a behavioral scientist specializing in designing for the Customer Experience and chronic care management. She has a background in building effective med tech and digital health solutions, taking concepts from whiteboards to product launch. Dr. Merchant has experience with remote monitoring, wearables & tech-enabled health coaching. She has expertise in human-centered design, behavioral-data science architecture, user engagement frameworks & evidence generation, and is academically trained in public health, psychology, statistics & data science. Dr. Merchant is an advocate for increasing diversity in tech, the life sciences, and executive leadership. She is passionate about closing the gender pay gap and promoting women and their voices, in all areas of business and academia. You can find her on Twitter @DrGMerchant.
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