Episode 6: Taking a break from parenting and striving to just be adequate
with podcast host and parenting coach Torie Henderson
Key Takeways
I had this idea in my manual of how to be a good mother. It was self-sacrifice and never take time for yourself. Don't prioritize your own needs. Put the children and the cleanliness of the home before by own like physical, mental, emotional wellbeing.
If we can just accept the reality that there's always going to be more to do than time to do it. And then focus on how you want to feel about that circumstance. Because so many of us get caught up in the trap, of oh no I've got so much to do.
There's no end because when you become a mom, the tasks are so circular. As soon as the kitchen is clean it is getting dirty again. And so you don't get this finished line. And so we get trained to think that if I just focus, buckle down, work hard nose to the grindstone, get it done, then there's a reprieve after that, when you become a mom, there's no reprieve. We were raised in the school system, where we get hooked on external validation, and then you become a mom and there's no progress report, no performance review, no report card.
And we've got to focus inward and from a place of instinctual intelligence, rather than fear. So much of the time, fear of not being good enough fear of someone being mad at us, fear of inadequacy, fear of missing out. When we make decisions from fear, you don't make good ones. So you always want to be aware of what the emotion you're in, because it's going to create the action. Way more important than what are you going to do?
We need to learn how to praise ourselves and recognize our accomplishments and focus on our progress and all the things that we did. And we're like, you know what, even though my kid hated that and complained, I still stand by that as a value I am happy to uphold, because if you're looking at your kids' happiness to know whether you're doing a good job, so specifically that your adolescents are going to be grumpy no matter what, so you need to like really make sure you're giving yourself credit for the things you're doing well.
Burnout requires solitude. Just a blank slate where moms are forced by their external environment to pay attention to themselves. Moms have a resistance to relaxation. They have a resistance to self-care they think a good mom wouldn't do that. A really valuable concrete thing that a burned out mom can do is take a weekend vacation without the kids.
We have a relationship addiction to our own children where we’re so hooked on them. Even when I'm not with them, I'm thinking about them. Your energy goes, where your attention goes. Good moms ignore their children all the time.
It's just so easy to lose yourself through the course of raising kids, because they're very demanding, especially if you have a special needs kid and you've got to take that time a little way recalibrate because the person you were before you gave birth is not the person you are now. We change, we evolve and we've got to stay on top of that addictive relationship with our children. And remember what we want, like what you want is so key to your essence.
Perfectionism is black and white thinking. Either need to be great at everything, or I suck at it, I'm a loser. Either I'm a good mom or a bad mom, either I'm a good employee or a bad employee. And we get stuck in this black and white thinking. And so one of the ways to counteract that is to lower expectations and make the goal to be adequate. My goal today is to be an adequate mother, not a perfect mother. I'm not going to try to do everything right, but I'm going to be an adequate in everything I do. You can tell a perfectionist, if the idea of being an adequate mother gives you a sense of freedom and liberation.
Where this week can I strategically slack off? And it's just so fun and freeing to play this little game with yourself. Give yourself permission to slack off too much screen time, not do what you say you're going to do.
We have to make it look like we're suffering in order to be accepted by our culture. Or we have to look like we're sweating, working hard. You need to be able to pay attention to yourself and remember who you are, what you want.
Companies celebrating vacations, giving people extra vacations days, people sharing their vacation plans. Don't hide your vacation., if those in power could start doing that more, being more open and honest and giving themselves permission to do that, then it would reduce the fears of other people doing the same.
Bio
Torie Henderson is master certified life coach, teacher and owner of LifeCoachingforParents.com. She has helped hundreds of overworked and exhausted Supermoms transform their parenting so they can more fully enjoy their life as mom. Torie is host of the Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast and is devoted to helping moms release the burdens and the guilt so they can make the most out of this time of their lives.
Links to Additional Resources
