S4 E61: Communicating your needs to prevent burnout
with researcher and team parent Professor Aaron Hipp
Key Takeways
My wife Pam just has incredible work ethic. She is very good about not overworking. She's pretty good with her boundaries. It's something I've had to learn. Her boundaries are amazing. She's pretty impossible to get ahold of while she's at work which can be super frustrating if a kid's sick or something or you've run outta gas. But she's also, when she's home, she's not as addicted to her email and phone as I am.
I think one thing that really helped redefine my work life balance and our relationship was taking parental leave. I was able to take a semester leave with each of our adoptions. And that's been huge. So being able to take that step back, one to spend time with the child and spend time as a family, but two, it recalibrates that work relationship and that was, that was really important. Pam did not mince words in saying that, leading into the adoption before it happened I was working way too much and she was ready to have that conversation with me that I needed to cut it out or she was out. And having that semester leave just really recalibrated our relationship as a couple, as well as my relationship with work. And so I'm very thankful for that opportunity and it's disappointing that we can't all experience that.
A lot of it's communication. Some of it's unspoken. We just watch out for each other and ourselves. We say, I need a minute. Oftentimes whoever's bringing the kids home will get out of the car and be like, I need to go to the basement and be alone for five or ten minutes. So it's not prescriptive. We try and ask for what we need, and I would say in general, that has worked. Resentment creeps in once in a blue moon. But again I think we communicate pretty well to where we don't get to that stage. It's a team effort. It has to be.
I would say I'm in some stage of burnout right now. And it's not the first time. And I think one of the more frustrating things is that it has happened before. And I consider myself a decently intelligent person and the fact that I continue to make some of the same mistakes is super frustrating that I'm not learning from my past. It's incredibly frustrating and taking the time to realize the patterns that are leading to where I am.
I think burned out at work. I've had the fortune of being offered a lot of opportunities. I've had a really hard time saying no to these opportunities because they seem interesting. I think they provide me and others opportunity. I think they are of benefit to the community.
I do have really high expectations of myself and others. I always thought I was a pretty chill, laid back person, and I do think I was for a long time, but I'm not chill and laid back anymore and that bothers me as well. And all of that just leads to this cycle of I don't know if it's self doubt or self-loathing. I just get uncomfortable and I think when I'm uncomfortable, something that I can lean into is work because I've been successful there and I lean too hard into it, and then I've taken on too much and then home becomes stressful and then work seems in my way and I get resentful towards work. And then that cycle just perpetuates.
I do go to therapy and that's relatively new and has been helpful. And I just try to communicate. I think I'm a pretty open book and I think that's been helpful. I don't mind saying out loud when I'm struggling, I don't mind processing the struggle with other people. And I think in most ways that helps. One last thing there is just the realization that I do think I have high expectations of myself and others around me and the work, but I also know that if the work doesn't get done it's not the end of the world. And so I do remind myself of that when I get really stressed , when I have these feelings of burnout. And yeah, I just remind myself like of course I think it's important and especially community work is important and you don't want to let community down. But you know what if I deliver this in November instead of October it's not the end of the world.
I realize I say yes very fast. My nos are slow and my yeses are fast. Usually it's because of who I get to work with, whether it's a community or a colleague, right? I think about opportunity costs all the time, and yet I just can't do it for myself. I can't be satisfied with being happy, being healthy, being content having my needs met. Like all of those things could easily be true for me right now. But I strive for something beyond that. And it's frustrating to recognize that and not have a fantastic answer for how to get over that. Like, how do I change my personality? how do I get outta my head and get outta my own way? Cuz I've had the privilege and opportunity to be successful. We have a lovely home. We have a family. We've got all the things that we wanted my needs are taken care of. I just want to try and stop striving beyond that.
It's all a process. That's one thing I do know, and that's one place where I don't beat myself up is it's a process, it's a growth. I do think communication in whatever realm, whether writing or therapy or partner or friends or cell phone walks it's a process. And recognizing the awareness, but also that this is a process. There's growth. It's not a linear path. It's not all uphill is super important. And I'm well aware of that and I would say that awareness keeps me happy. I'm in general an optimistic and happy person. We're speaking at an interesting time cause I've got some self-loathing going on right at the moment, but I still, I'm smiling right now. I know the broader context and I don't let go of that and I'm fortunate to keep that broader context.
As an optimistic person I probably have too many hell yeses. And so I'm always game. I'm the neighborhood gossip. I know everything that's going on. I'm the one that everyone texts or calls for stuff. And that's very much an inherited trait from my mother. I have listed things out and ranked them. I've done that exercise for myself, but I haven't been great about communicating those results to say a department head, a supervisor, a dean. Why haven't I spoken to my department head about here are my hell yeses, and I think I'm successful with these hell yeses. But these are the things that do not excite me at all. And therefore, when they don't excite me I don't attend to them. I don't prioritize them. And so they're not done as well. I think even that type of framing.
Those policies are so important. Just for what they communicate, if anything else, that these are the priorities that we have. And beyond that I think so much of it is mentoring and culture and modeling. I've just landed in a department where there are a lot of families. So seeing that balance and having that communication and knowing that. It's pretty unspoken. It's been very beneficial to our department. So codifying that, having those policies in places, having programs for support would be much more beneficial to have this written down so that it's the policy, not just leaning into that this is the norm here and norms can change with leadership changes or role changes.
My wife doesn't take any shit. She doesn't let me cop out. She lets me do stuff but she doesn't pity the fool she, she doesn't put up with it. And that was a painful lesson to learn. So she's got the expectation and she's level set. This is a partnership. My career is important to me. I understand your career is important to you, but it doesn't mean it should be more important than mine. Being a parent is important to both of us. I think a lot of it is expectation, hold your partners accountable and obviously that has to start in the beginning. It can be a drastic change if that happens, once you have children. I know where I stand and I know I'm important. I know our family is important, but I also know her career is important. And I've been able to, I think, grow in that way and help in that way.
I think so much of it is just empathy and realizing like there's no reason that should all be on her or that it should all be on me. And just that realization that it's a team and it's not 50 50 every day but we make it balance and work out over time.
In terms of the future, my pipe dream is really just presence and patience. The thing I want to work on, but I think global, is presence with what you're doing. The presence with spending an hour with you, a presence with a research project, the presence with your partner on a date night, the presence with your children the ability to be focused on that singular task without the distractions is so important to having a solid conversation to have a solid experience to put your best work there. And it's extremely challenging as a working parent. Because when I'm with the kids, I'm often concerned or thinking about work. And then the kids started fighting. And cause I was thinking about work, my presence and patience for whatever shenanigans they were up to wasn't there. I think it's hard to keep some of the family distractions away from work, but also competing demands at work and focusing on one thing at a time, I think is huge. I think having that presence and patience right now are two things that I think are just super important.
A lot of this comes to communication. That's part of why I was delighted that you reached out and happy to talk with you. Communicating with you and having these conversations have been huge for me. They've also given me the confidence to have further and more challenging conversations with Pam so that we're on the same page. Cause, the resentment is real. And I think communicating with each other so you know where you stand is super important. That's part of that presence is you're letting your partner and your family know where you are and help you be there. I think raising a family, there's really nothing more important for those who've chosen or have families is working together to be as best a family union as you can be, whatever that family unit looks like. And so just communicate and grow. Just be open to growth.
Bio
J. Aaron Hipp, PhD, is a University Faculty Scholar, Associate Director for Social and Behavioral Science Applications in the Center for Geospatial Analytics, and Associate Professor of Community Health and Sustainability in the Department of Parks, Recreation, and Tourism Management at NC State University (NCSU), as well as a 2019-2022 Robert Wood Johnson Foundation Interdisciplinary Research Leadership Fellow. Dr. Hipp is a built environment and active living scholar combining emerging technologies and community engaged research for measuring built environments and active living.
Dr. Hipp is the spouse of an Epidemiologist and father of three elementary school-aged children. Home also includes a dog, cat, and 11 koi fish :)
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