S4 E73: Showing appreciation to other dads and self monitoring stress
with tech dad Nihal Mehta
Key Takeways
Every parent has this vision of being this Olympic gymnast almost, where you can like literally do 50 like somersaults and a few cartwheels and stick the landing, right? And everybody has this plan. And by the way, that plan often doesn't work out. The plans often go awry and I think you just have to do the best that you can.
This Monday is Rosh Hashanah and in New York public schools had off Monday and Tuesday. And so kids are home. And we didn't have childcare on Monday and both Reshma and I had a full slate of work that day. I think I had 10 meetings on Monday and she was with Moms of Liberty and the book Banning, like she was in a huge fight and she was on with reporters and so many people on her team and, it was intense. We were trying to do our best while managing and also give happiness and joy to our kids. And so that was challenging, and I think the takeaway from that is you just gotta do the best that you can. And, you're never gonna be the perfect husband and the perfect dad and the perfect co-founder at your startup or your firm. But you can do the very best, that you can.
I love the quote, if you want something done give it to a mom because I think in particular, I see this with my wife and a lot of other friends that are moms. I see this in my mom, the ability to multitask. Literally just, not being distracted with kids directly in the mix. And still being laser focused on the task at hand is a very unique superpower. And I think that's not native to dads because I know I have a hard time doing that. But I feel like it is like a superpower that moms have, or, they very quickly are conditioned, to grow.
The best way that I can support is get the hell out of the way and basically just let her do her thing. And so in that moment that meant very specifically let's get the kids outta the house. Let's go to the park. Providing that support so that person can basically just be in the zone. That person can have the utmost concentration and focus and bandwidth, so that they can apply all their energy to whatever they're doing at that moment. And by the way it's definitely not a one way street, there's many situations in which I need to be in the zone and Reshma grabs the kids and lets me concentrate so I can apply my maximum energy to that particular problem. But I think that's a tried and true solution.
I think that I'm doing a better job of actually running . Or I signed up to run my third New York marathon in about a month and a half. And so we have a little run club in New York called Pitch and Run. And every Monday and Friday, sometime Wednesdays at 9:00 AM the big group of us sometimes is many is 30 or 40 folks on the Hudson River at on 23rd Street behind Chelsea Pier, we'll run five miles and it's a very easy exercise for parents because it's after school dropoff. Also having that social environment with other parents that also might be going through rough patches or anything they might want to talk about on this run is incredibly refreshing and inspiring.
We have this thing called Whoop, we wear on our wrists, and it basically measures recovery and strain. And when you get a green even if it's wrong cuz it's not a hundred percent accurate, it's psychosomatic and you're like, oh, like I'm well rested. That's great. And obviously if you get it red, you're like, oh man, like it's gonna be a shitty day. And so I think there's some psychological aspect there, but I think this also helps us monitor burnout because if you're really burning that candle at both ends, this thing's gonna pick up on it and you're gonna be in the red for a while, and I think if you're in the red for four or five days straight, like you gotta change something. And so I think that's a nice, like a beacon, like a signal where we can get a sense of where our body and mind is, because it definitely does pick up on stress and anxiety as well.
I feel like dads in particular don't necessarily have those sort of support groups that moms may more proactively seek out. I've been pretty active about creating WhatsApp groups. We actually have a WhatsApp group called Father Good Instead of Fatherhood, and it is a bunch of dads now and close to a hundred. And just dads sharing some wins, some stories. Even that little thumbs up or that heart, is very encouraging because you feel like your work is appreciated, as a dad. To talk about these things and to appreciate other dads for things that they're doing, and to be appreciated as well. But I think it's very easy and very simple that not enough people do.
We take our paternity leave. It's not just for us and our families, but it's setting example for, not only our firm, but the industry. And that's one thing that everybody can do is take your paid leave. A lot of dads don't do it. A lot of dads have it and don't do it. A lot of dads have, especially if you work in tech for example, it's a very competitive perk.
Obviously the bigger issue in the United States isit's one of the only industrialized countries left that doesn't offer paid leave and doesn't pay for childcare doesn't have any sort of childcare subsidy. And that's what Reshma is fighting right now with Marshall Plan for Moms to accomplish is that if the government can't do it, we'll get it done in the private sector and make that a competitive perk.
All of that energy that you need to reserve for like this whole new phase of not just your life but your wife's life, your spouse's life, your existing children's life all the things that you actually really need to work on.
It's one making this a standard in this country. And then two taking advantage of it if, when you have it, taking full advantage of it when you have it. And then from a cultural perspective, making it not a stigma, making it a point of pride. And I think there's been a lot of people vocal on this issue. Like Alexis, Ohanian, right? Who is married to Serena Williams. And I think there needs to be a lot more dads. I've been vocal on this issue. That are very proud, of taking leave. There's still some weird cultural headwind on Oh you're not like man enough if you like, don't come right back to work.. It's not cool. I think we have more tailwinds than headwinds. I think there is a change that's happening.
You're probably not gonna stay at the same company l your whole career. You're probably gonna have a few different perches and even if you're an entrepreneur, you're gonna create, hopefully, many businesses over the course of your career. But the one thing that hopefully stays the same is your family. Like even through separations, your kids are your kids. And so that is like a lot more t persistent, than your professional stint. It should be your first startup, right? That you're focused on. And by the way, at this startup, the mom around here is the CEO around here, I'm the CO also, the chief clown officer to make the kids laugh.
Because I think you will feel more appreciated. It'll get you this feedback loop to do a better job and to feel more self-worth, for what you're doing. Because I think at the end of the day, being a parent, can be like a little bit of a lonely job, right? Because nobody's patting you on the back.
Bio
Nihal is a co-founder of the non-profit “Project Ahimsa,” providing scholarships to disadvantaged youth in India, where his parents immigrated from in the early 1970s. Nihal also recently co-founded initiatives like Help Main Street to help restaurants survive the pandemic, and The 100k Pledge, a social justice tracker of economic empowerment to Black communities. Nihal also loves to spend time with his wife Reshma and is a big supporter of her non-profit Girls Who Code and her new initiative the “Marshall Plan for Moms.” Nihal graduated from the University of Pennsylvania (BA in Philosophy & BSE in Computer Science).
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