What I Learned about Parenting from a 1960s Mother who Was a Topless Dancer in SF
Jewel talked about breaking free of her upbringing, the programming she had received as a child within a strict religious family environment. She recognized that it had not been helpful for her own confidence and tried to educate her daughters in a different way. Often our only model of parenting is our own parents and it can be difficult to realize that cycles of parenting exist which are not always appropriate for later generations. My parenting started as controlling and punishing, which was all I knew, but it did not sit well with me. It was hard for me to identify that what was making me feel so bad as a parent was a parenting style that I did not like enacting. I did not have the self awareness to question this and I did not know what an alternative style of parenting could be. I learned a lot from parent coaching and listening to parenting books. I think key lessons for me were 1) recognizing the cycle and be willing to do the work to break it 2) learning to reflect my children back to themselves i.e. not trying to mold my children to my will or my life goals, instead letting them see who they really are by my ability to show them who they are e.g. helping my son find theatre groups instead of sports groups. This freed me a lot because instead of seeing my job as improving my children, I saw it as helping them find themselves. 3) supporting my children to express their emotions and therefore expressing and understanding their needs. To be in my mid 40s and unable to express my emotions and understand my needs, and have no idea what I wanted in life was so paralyzing. 4) avoiding punishing my kids and motivating them with fear. I learned to try to understand what’s going on, and motivate them to do more of the right thing with relevant, related positive discipline. One author declared “your kids will lie to you, but tell them you trust they will work it out, help them learn to problem solve and keep the communication channels open”. Positive discipline really helped me move away from punishment and learn an alternative to just being permissive. I stepped away as a referee and instead help the kids to listen to each other and try to see each other’s points of view. I am an imperfect parent, but I am open to learning to be better.
Jewel spoke about finding a place where she and her eldest daughter could respect each other’s sensitivities or boundaries. She also set a boundary with her husband, refusing to let him drink in front of her daughter who was recovering from her own addition. I have spoken with several friends who resonated with this perspective with their own mothers. They described having trigger topics that never led to useful discussions. They were able to identify these tensions and requested that their mothers stopped bringing them up. They said setting a boundary like this was really helpful and improved their relationships. I struggle to set boundaries. When I have tried to set them with my parents, they have not accepted ‘no’ for an answer, or have constantly tried to get around limits I have tried to set. I realized this is part of why I struggle with boundaries. If you have controlling people in your life, they will not respect your boundaries. Sadly, a boundary you can set is to avoid seeing them or organizing visits where you get to leave when you are done.
I have also learned that my resentment in many situations is because I have not set boundaries. I don’t recognize my limits and don’t take action to protect myself. Feeling like I have never done enough, makes such boundaries very hard to define. If you feel anger or resentment, it can be a sign that you need to establish or re-set boundaries. I have not yet found a good formula for setting boundaries. I usually get to a breaking point and have to stop the activity entirely to set a boundary (I can’t do this anymore), which seems such a self defeating result, compared to setting boundaries along the way. During Covid, I kept refusing to parent alone, feeling like this was a redline I was setting. But me saying it did not really change anything. It wasn’t until we started a learning pod and I had help from a teaching assistant, that I understood that what I had needed before was hired help. This should have been my boundary. And maybe in future I will be able to say, I need help. For those that struggle with boundaries, promising yourself to ask for help even before you need it, is one way of making sure you don’t take it all on yourself. I was also very conscious with the learning pod that if I was not careful I would take it all upon myself and be resentful. I didn’t want to ruin this experience. So I kept reminding myself, ask for help, don’t do it all yourself, if you do it all yourself you will become resentful. It was a boundary of sorts. No one expected me to do it alone, and everyone very much wanted to contribute. If I had tried to do it all alone they might have felt their help was unwanted and would have held back. It is easy to see how such spirals quickly derail a good idea.
Jewel experienced helping her daughter fight addiction through rehabilitation. I know enough about the challenges of addiction to know I know nothing. I worry about my son’s relationship with video games and have been warned that children with ADHD can be more susceptible to some addictions. I listened to a podcast on sugar addiction and it reminded me about the importance of avoiding environmental cues. Recognizing the importance of environmental prompts is certainly an area of science I have worked in. For example a good tip is to put your walking shoes out by the side of your bed to remind you of your commitment to walk every day. I realized my son’s experience of public school was so over powering that medications or neurofeedback would not help him. Everyday his environment cued a feeling of, I do not belong, I am not smart. Changing schools really changed his attitude to learning. Hearing about Jewel’s experience of sending her daughter to rehabilitation and forcing her husband to leave so he would not drink in her presence, reminded me about a boyfriend I had in my 20s whose brother was struggling with addiction. The parents sent the brother to live with us, I didn’t really know what was going on, but he needed to be in a place and with people that did not cue his addiction. He recovered and made a new life for himself that did not include drugs. Understanding that individual will is often not enough is helpful for any situation. We need help from people, and we need environments that support positive choices, making them easy. Unfortunately, this is not often available to many people. And in the US the focus on individual rights sometimes prevents consideration of social solutions.
