Learning to Laugh to Lighten the Load
I was excited to read Humor, Seriously. When I burned out in 2018, I did a stand up comedy class and improv comedy classes to develop an interest outside of my work, to take time away from the family and to experience more laughter in my life. Both provided amazing life lessons. I was really interested in what humor lessons I could learn from this book that could be applied to life and work. I took them one step further and applied them to parenting too.
When I reached out to Dr Aaker, the author of Humor, Seriously, about being featured on Me2We Moms. Her response was:
“I absolutely love this invitation but am having a hard time juggling mom/book/work/life right now so can’t take it on”
Not surprising. Yet, I got the sense the authors had so much fun writing this book and interviewing comics. It reminded me to also have fun with Me2We Moms.
In addition to talking about the neuroscience behind comedy and positive perceptions of people who were funny (including being perceived as smarter and better leaders), they shared details about the humor course that they host at Stanford.
One of the activities was to notice intense emotions about mundane occurrences. Then to try to heighten them and create a way to bring levity to them through unexpected contrasts or other techniques. When I did my stand up class I was angry at everything, having burned out and left my academic career. It was therapeutic. I focused on my irritation with Alexa and how when I switched her setting to British rather than American we became friends.(Interestingly, we have one Alexa set to British and one to American and if you ask them who their favorite author, or actor or singer is they have different responses….)
The practice of noticing emotions reminded me of the goal I developed from the book Language of Emotions; to do an emotion-check in each day. I include it here below. I think turning emotions into laughter is a challenge without first shifting your mindset to notice more humor in daily life. Similarly, the authors spoke of using humor to find joy. Finding joy is also a conscious process. One way I began to notice the funny things in life more often, was when I did the stand up class. Our homework was to watch TV comedians. As a busy mom, I don’t prioritize TV time much so allowing myself time to watch comedy on TV itself was a form of self care and certainly shifted my focus to look for the funny. It was like my mental radar suddenly tuned into it, and I saw funny things everywhere. As advised in the book, have fun and the funny will follow.
Likewise, I had to choose deliberately to look for joy in my life. For a while it was a mantra, I am open to finding joy today. No pressure, just an open mindset. When I exercise I listen to audible books, hence, how I have been able get through so many to create Me2We Moms! Although my coach did remind me to at least pause for a few minutes and look at the world. One day I did, I stopped and looked at the ocean. I felt silly. Then I saw this wave and the wind was blowing the crest sideways and it looked like a rainbow unicorn mane. It was joyous, but I had to take the time to stop and observe and take enough time to notice.
I think a reasonable goal to start finding more laughter is to watch one episode of your favorite comic online (who is it?) each week. Commit to your comedy day, your comedy time (Friday evening?) and your comedy partner (family member who watches it with you or friend who you have to text to share the funniest joke). Does it sound ridiculous to have to make a plan to have a laugh? Plans lead to action and action leads to habits. Can you keep it up for 8 weeks? No time for TV? Listen only, most of the fun is in the words anyway, or listen to funny podcasts. Do it while you're cleaning, cooking, driving, or shopping.
I think most people would hate the thought of a stand up comedy class. And it was tough. I loved the writing and was comfortable with the performing, but being told my jokes weren’t funny, that was hard!! It was a great exercise in receiving feedback. And it motivated me to keep looking for new ideas. See more on receiving feedback elsewhere!
Most folks don’t know there is a formula to comedy writing. Set up, punchline, tag (the extension to the punchline). I literally used a template with these words in the margin and stuck to it. It kept everything focused and short. Which is most unlike me! Plus I drew from everyday life, for example, my daughter once asked me out of the blue would I wear a meat dress like Lady Gaga. What a funny question! That’s a good practice, really listen to the silly things your kids say. They are still in touch with fun and laughter. So for my stand up routine, my setup was the question, in my daughter’s innocent voice: ‘Mom, would you wear a meat dress like Lady Gaga’ and my punchline was: ‘What?? Add fat to these thighs?’ The tag was a series of questions like this with me eventually telling her to ask Alexa instead of me! I know, breaking a joke down loses its humor, but the point is you can build a joke with everyday small blocks.
In the book, being authentic was touted as an outcome of practising comedy. In our stand up class we started with our life story, and we drew our comedy from that experience. Yes, often self-deprecating, but I watched a bear-sized Latino man come out to his catholic family as homosexual through his performance. It was amazing; watching him find his voice over the weeks.
So if you’re going to sign up for a stand up class, commit to going with a friend. My friend Sarah and I did it together and we still go to comedy shows together when we can. We even saw a drive-in show during Covid, Iliza Schlesinger. Instead of hearing our laughter, she heard our horns honking. Pick a time and location that is totally convenient to you. One that flows naturally into your day, not one that you might miss if work runs late. You’ll have enough excuses not to go without scheduling conflicts! I went on a Sunday afternoon and it was such a wonderful ritual. The class was near a park and I went for a walk beforehand to get me into the right mood. If you can’t commit to a class, at least commit to the homework of watching more comedy. I’m guessing at the end of 8 weeks this might be a habit you don’t want to give up.
So what’s the difference between Improv and Stand Up? Stand up is prepared, you write the jokes, you perform alone. Improv is the opposite. Nothing is prepared, you respond in the moment and you work with your team. In the book, the authors connect life meaning with comedy. A life well lived is brave and present. Improv comedy is stepping into the unknown and really paying attention to what your teammates are saying and doing. Brave and present. One of my Improv teachers described everyone’s experience of a level 1 class, as being sprinkled with unicorn dust. I think it is important to take a course, not just a one off class. Most of the exercises get easier over time and become more enjoyable as you get comfortable. I write elsewhere about my Improv experience, but I learned that I was brave and unique. That was magic! Go see a performance before you join, as there are different styles. Short form punchy or longer character development through heightened emotions. I prefer the latter. And don’t go to an open mic before joining a stand up class. If people at open mics actually did a class they might be worth listening to… I include the Improv goals from my other piece below.
Improv classes are a good segue into humor in the office. Bringing in an Improv trainer is a great team building activity. It will help your team be present with each other and more open to new ideas. Some team members could be anxious about this, but a good trainer will put them at ease. The word Improv might not appear in the workshop title at all. It might take a few sessions before everyone is on board. Likewise you could start to have ‘bad ideas’ brainstorming meetings. Encourage your team to provide the most ridiculous ideas they can think of and reward the most ridiculous with fun prizes. It can be hard to start new activities like this, but if you ask your team first, what ideas they have for having more fun, that will already open them up to taking part.
We tried to do more team building and fun activities in our research group as it grew. It wasn’t easy to bring everyone together with a positive attitude. Not everyone appreciated using time in the office to play instead of getting work done. Associating the activity with an outcome that a work oriented team would value can work, for example we want to stay innovative so we need more time for creativity. Or we want to reduce time lost in miscommunication. Engage the members of your team who are more playful to help lead. Feature members of your team who have talents outside of work, for example, singing or playing an instrument. Reminding employees that you want them to bring their whole self to work is important. Finally, perhaps sneak it into a birthday celebration or holiday party, when people have already prepared themselves to relax for a few minutes. Including curiosity and fun in your mission statement can also help draw employees to you who enjoy the benefits of play.
Take photos of the fun activities and post them around the office to reinforce their importance and remind employees that having fun together is valued. Create rituals around activities, either a monthly prize, or something for new employees after they pass a certain milestone. Give gifts of desk toys. Celebrate the ends of projects too, with ‘Day of the Dead’ celebrations, remembering all the mistakes and releasing the tension of stressful experiences. Laughing at your own mistakes will be a good place to start.
If a group approach is not on the cards, consider small gestures that you can make yourself, for example a humorous out of office reply, even one that reinforces the importance of family.
“Sorry I will not be able to reply this week, my kids locked my computer in the basement for the duration of our vacation. I am just glad I was not chained to it! Thanks for supporting my work-free, family time.”
You can always check with your boss to confirm it is appropriate, providing an opportunity to mention that you are hoping to improve workplace morale with some humor. You can practice writing out of office replies, and not even send them. Likewise practicing any one liners that you feel comfortable to deliver in response to inappropriate behavior is worthwhile. It leaves you prepared and in control when you can deliver a witty but poignant response. In particular, responding to people who insult you and then retort ‘I was just joking’, is empowering. For example, ‘If it’s a joke, why am I not laughing?,’ or ‘If I’m not laughing I am not sure it counts as a joke,’ ‘Keep the bad dad jokes for your family, here I expect more sophisticated humor.’
Some of the principles of Humor Seriously also apply to being a parent. I play these Improv games with my kids:
‘Consequences’ where you say the first word that comes into your head when you hear the word someone else says. It’s a great way to get an insight into your child’s mind or get a sense of what they are focusing on in life.
‘Build an idea’ where you imagine a party or a place, what would you bring there with no limits, making sure you ‘yes and’ everyone’s ideas. We have built luxury yachts in our minds with volcanos and shark pools and chocolate fountains.
Start a sentence with the end of someone else’s sentence. “I love carrots”, “Carrots are orange”, “Orange is a wonderful sunset” etc. This is a listening challenge for sure.
