Preventing Burnout by Processing Stress
Thanks to Emily and Amelia Nagoski for their book Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. What a gift to write together as sisters. I particularly enjoyed listening to the authors taking turns to read the chapters in the audible format. And the loud ‘uck’ noises with every mention of patriarchy were hilarious and light relief for this omnipresent stress. Their experiences of burnout in academia resonated with me, as an academic burnout survivor. I read this book three years after my burnout and that may have contributed to how much it helped me. But I also think the presentation of the research and thinking conveyed an important message in a new way.
I loved how they created and shared the experiences of two fictional characters, one a teacher, one a professor; who were the sum of many common features of women they had interviewed. I enjoyed following them through the book and hearing practical advice given to them. I listened to the book twice, and it was only in the second sitting that I realized how many of the messages from the book had seeped into my life and my business plan. The sisters believe that you can make a better world by being kind to yourself. I employ the same principle in my business, Me2We Moms, believing if we look after ourselves first we can be more available to help others and change the world.
The authors coin the term ‘human giver syndrome’, someone who puts everyone else’s needs above their own. I much prefer this term to ‘people pleaser’ which feels more obsequious. Human giver at least sounds like you are in the driving seat, choosing to give to others before yourself. But so often we forget we are choosing to say yes, and end up feeling like a victim and resentful. Human giver syndrome tricks you into thinking unless you have given everything to others and are depleted you are not worthy. It tells you that rest is lazy and you are undeserving. I understand the drive to want to help others first and I also see the need to put on my own oxygen mask first. Through Me2We Moms I hope to encourage moms to do something for themselves, today. I have found many women struggle with this idea, however, even a small gesture of kindness to themselves feels like a stretch.
The main premise of the book is that you can deal with the feeling that the stress creates in your body by activities that process the stress and release it, even if you cannot change the causes of the stressful feeling (i.e. the stressor) when it is out of your control. So you don’t have to wait to get a better job, to feel better, you can start to feel better by getting the stress out of your body. It’s an energy that is created that needs to go somewhere, and out is better than in!
The main stress reduction advice in this book is around physical activity, sleep and diet. As a public health professor, I can endorse these important health behaviors. I provide more tips on how to start a physical activity routine elsewhere. It helps to start small and slow, to have a specific time of day (mornings are best as you are less likely to be tired), to have an exercise partner or cheerleader, and to track how you are doing (so many devices out there to help). They provide alternatives such as simply tensing and releasing your muscles in bed, which acknowledges that exercise is not for everyone. We have also been working to promote sitting less and standing more because exercise can be challenging for some populations.
I agree that these behaviors are good stress management strategies, but in my experience they did not prevent my burnout. Granted, I would have probably burned out sooner if I had not been a daily runner. But also I believe that my running enabled me to cope with more stress, which meant my body could cope physically but my brain was in overdrive. One reason I believe I burned out is because my runs became more stressful. I always felt calm after my morning run and problem solved so many issues in the shower afterwards. But when we got a puppy, my runs became a source of my stress. The puppy was uncontrollable and has proved untrainable. I think the other problem with my exercise regime was it was motivated by self -criticism and fear of being overweight, not by self love and caring for my body. Dr Maslach, who created the burnout index, believes self care is not the solution to burnout, rather the change has to come from the workplace environment and expectations. I think it can be both; we need to do the inner and outer work.
The book encourages women to recognize and face the enemies that make our lives more difficult and one of them is the diet industry. Not to give them power, but to acknowledge they are powerful and that without compassion we could end up blaming ourselves entirely if we didn’t recognize that we can share some of that blame with societal expectations. The advice to give up dieting is spot on. I once heard the hilarious Irish author, Marian Keyes, regret the 20 pounds she had lost and gained each year. Me too. This summer I started to have success with intuitive eating after a 37 year diet fueled battle with myself. It is wonderful to enjoy eating again and to save so much time not thinking about what I can’t eat. I simply ask myself what would be the most delicious food to eat right now? Sometimes the answer is nothing. Sometimes it’s chocolate. But often it is something healthy that my body craves. I started to lose weight. And you know what, I stopped caring about my weight. I just wanted to have a peaceful relationship with food. It was such a relief and such a shedding of a burden. It might not work for everyone, but it worked for me.
The book helps us see how many hours in the day we need to dedicate and plan so there is enough time to sleep. And reminds us that naps aren’t laziness. We need to plan naps into the day. I don’t find naps refreshing, but I am practicing doing nothing, which is a struggle for me. As a peri-menopausal mom, my sleep is terrible. I use the Calm app to go to sleep with sleep stories. Maria Shriver recently said: And whatever you do, don’t listen to the voices in your head that come in the night. That is the witching hour for sure!!
The book also compassionately addresses the mad woman in the attic. our inner critic, who we all have and hate. My inner critic is one of the 3 witches from Macbeth: ‘double, double, toil and trouble’! Naming her, drawing her, and asking her to have a cup of tea with me has helped our relationship. She constantly tells me I am not enough. The authors also declare that feeling that you are not enough is a form of loneliness. I had not heard this before and it totally resonated .I felt so lonely, even within my marriage and work community. And the cure for ‘not enough loneliness’? Find someone to tell you that you are enough, that you are not alone, and that they see in you a person that you can, yourself, trust. Wow! I needed that. So first I coached my husband and kids to help me with that, since my love language is positive affirmations. And then when both my business coach and my parent coach started group sessions, I joined them and found other amazing and vulnerable women like myself. And in those groups, I found joy in reflecting back to the other women, what I saw in them. I do the same with my kids.
The authors end the book with a heartfelt plea to look after ourselves, believing that everyone deserves to treat themselves as they would their best friend. The book inspired me to accept that I too want to help prevent burnout in working moms. And to continue my fight against perfectionism and patriarchy.
