Learning to Understand My Emotions and Use Them as a Guide
As a child I was not allowed to express my emotions so I have fought them and dismissed them as an adult. When I started working with a parent coach, she kept saying “If you’re sad you need to let something go, if you’re angry you need to set boundaries.” What on earth was she talking about? How did she have this handbook for her emotions? She recommended I read the book Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. She did a wonderful job of explaining how we should not fight our emotions but rather use them as a guide to help us take action. Philippa Perry in The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read emphasized helping your kids express their emotions so they can identify their needs and ask for what they want. For me I had to start recognizing my emotions as a guide to what I wanted to keep in my life and what I wanted to let go of. I also had to help model expressing emotions so my kids could learn it was ok to cry too.
I also read Humor, Seriously by Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas. When they teach comedy, step 1 is to start to recognize what makes you have large emotions. When I did my stand up class, I was angry at everything. I had just burned out and left my job so not surprising, but I was able to find my comedy sketch from that anger.
Here’s a brief guide:
Anger is a signal to reset a boundary that has been crossed. It is also an indicator of an injustice that has occurred. It is not that you should let your anger be expressed in the moment, but rather notice it and evaluate what has triggered this feeling. Clearly if we ignore anger our values will be disrespected and we’ll lose our power and feel like a victim. The book encourages you to understand what values you want to hold on to and decide how can you protect them through your anger alerts and then anger actions i.e. communicate your boundary again and communicate the injustice. This is you accepting and maturely expressing your anger. Give yourself permission to express you anger in this empowering way! But I acknowledge communicating boundaries and injustices without being overly defensive can be challenging. Boundaries will have to be a topic for another day.
Fear is intuition. When change is occurring it alerts you to the change and makes sure you are proceeding cautiously. If you feel fear you need to check if it is real. Excitement is on the fear continuum and can emerge if you can breathe through the fear. Fear can be an indicator that you want something different.
Happiness, while a positive emotion will come and go. It is totally normal to experience sadness. Accepting that sadness also has a role should help us be ok with not always being happy. In particular, sadness is an indicator that you need to release something that you are holding onto but that is not helping you any more. Giving time to let go through sadness allows you to make room for things that do work and bring you happiness.
The most helpful emotion for me to understand was suicide. She explained that feeling like you wanted to end your life was an indicator that you needed a new life; that the life you were living was no longer in line with your values. It’s an alert for you to make changes to a life that is no longer bearable. To let go of the old life and find a new one, in this life. For me I had to start recognizing my emotions as a guide to what I wanted to keep in my life and what I wanted to let go of. I now let my husband know when I am feeling emotions, just so he has a better sense of what I am experiencing and can better understand where I am coming from.
Behavior Change Goal:
Start where you are at. Are you able to recognize your emotions? Are you able to express them? Are you able to use them to guide you? Let’s assume you’ve been blocking your feelings. Set aside a time each day to do an emotion check. What time each day will you do this? Where will you do it? What will remind you to do it? Who will you tell you are going to do this so they can support you? During the emotion check take a minute to breathe and feel your body, where is the tension? Can you name that emotion? Can you write down 3 emotions you have felt during the day, what were they, when, what was happening? If you get annoyed at having these emotions, take a minute to remind yourself, emotions are not weak, they are my guide to acting by my values. If you get upset, let it out! This check can be just five minutes each day, but it will help start the habit of making time and space for your emotions.
If the dedicated time to the daily emotional check-in is not convenient, try tying it to something else. For example, when you write your to-do list for the day, use your emotions to prioritize what you want to do first. For each task on your list, drop into your body and breathe. How do you feel about it? Is it positive or negative? Is it a strong or weak feeling? If you don’t create a to-do list, how about every time you park your car, as you turn it off and notice the quiet, take a moment to breathe and assess your feelings. Are you dreading stepping out of the car or excited? Tying your emotional check-ins to something you already do helps remind you to check. Maybe even tie a ribbon on your gear stick to remind you and when the kids ask what is that ribbon there for, you say ‘Mom’s trying to remember to breathe and feel her emotions.’ You might find they get curious and want to know more or become your accountability partner. Did you breathe today Mom?
Once you start to find a time and place to become aware of your emotions, you can start to try to name them out loud. Perhaps to yourself at first or to your partner. You can also start asking your partner and kids about their feelings. There are lists of emotions you can find online that help you name feelings. Next step is to acknowledge them. When your kid is frustrated you can say ‘you seem frustrated, what’s going on?’ ’You’re disappointed, what can that emotion tell us about what is important to you?’ ‘Do you feel butterflies in your tummy, that’s excitement. It’s ok to be excited and scared at the same time.’
