A burnout book that made me smile and feel equipped to take the next step

Burnt out by Selina Barker

I was listening to a webinar about burnout. I paid attention to the recommendation of the book Burnt Out by Selina Barker, because I noticed the book title was spelled using the English spelling ‘burnt’ instead of ‘burned’. Us Brits also spell learnt, colour, neighbourhood and mum differently. I really enjoyed hearing Selina’s English voice speaking very practically about burnout. This was probably the only burnout book I have listened to that mentioned sex so often, and you can hear her gleeful smirk every time she mentions it can help. I know I had stopped giving and receiving hugs at my lowest point, so much so that when I did give in and receive a hug, I felt the influx of chemicals and it’s calming effect viscerally. Selina also names our inner critic as the shitty committee and provides lots of tips for listening to it but addressing its concerns by turning each criticism into a potential opportunity and strength. 

In particular, I appreciated that Selina started with an SOS. Give yourself a break, take rest and recuperation before you consider anything else. The burned-out brain cannot cope with all the positive recommendations about treating burnout because it is overwhelmed. New information, even if helpful, is just piled on top of everything else. In particular, she cautions us not to take any action on a work change until we have taken the steps to mitigate the burnout in our body. Importantly, she does address changing workplace in Step 6. I think many burnout books do not recognize that often burnout does necessitate a change in jobs because often a toxic work environment is the cause. Even so, she still recommends addressing our shitty committee and preventing it sabotaging any new job. If you start a new job, even in a more supportive environment, you can still go into over drive if your people pleasing gets out of control.

Selina outlines really clearly how burnout occurs when our strengths become our weaknesses. And loving your work doesn’t prevent you from burning out. She describes how you can be driven, thoughtful, giving, and achieving. These are all wonderful assets that can lead to great success. BUT when these go into over-drive, over-thinking, over-giving and over-achieving burnout occurs. I can see these traits in myself and recognize the over-state that I can easily tip into. The problem is, how as a perfectionist, who feels like nothing is enough, do you recognize that you are going into the OVER space? I think this is where coaches can help. They can give you objective feedback and realistic expectations. It can be hard to accept such perspective from friends and family because you know they are just looking out for you, and may not value your need to achieve as much as you do.  Coaches take a more ‘professional’ approach to it and help you see that you can be more productive when you are not burned out.

I really appreciated how Selina provided a long list of what burnout can look like. Even yoga teachers are burning out! Many working moms may not admit they are in burnout but I bet they could see themselves in the following descriptions:

So exhausted that they can’t get out of bed, jacked up on adrenaline, emotionally raw and exhausted, bursting into tears at the smallest things, lost compassion and no longer care about career they used to love, cynical and doubting what they once believed in, physically ill, having accidents and making silly mistakes, locking themselves out of home or getting on wrong train, lost confidence and can no longer do job once good at, like a fuse has gone in their brain, slow, foggy, struggling to focus, smallest decision feels impossible to make. I felt many of these symptoms.

Selina takes you through 6 steps to reclaim your energy and design a life you love including, learning how to fill your physical, mental and emotional energy through exercise, healthy foods, sleep, meditation, creativity, solitude, connection, and adventure. She also takes you through designing your working day to work for you. The latter has some excellent tips on time management and taking breaks. Although I realized as a busy working mom, the usual managing your workday tips don’t really apply. Most of the time I am trying to squeeze work into the remaining minutes between the school day or summer camps and other household tasks so breaking up the day to find energy is not the problem, rather having enough time to focus and be productive is the problem. I have recently spent a week at a co-working space and left the caregiving to my husband. For the first time since my burnout (3 years ago) did I feel like I did have what it takes to succeed. It is just that I have not had enough time to invest in it. I continue to try to negotiate for more time with my husband, who is also consumed by his role as a provider and small business owner. I am hoping maybe one week a month I can have this escape, not where I express my needs or ask for help in specific ways, but where I have no responsibilities for a whole week. The schedule, the shopping, the kids, dogs, my client work, all of it gone. My sole focus is my passion project overcoming working mom burnout.

Thanks to Selina for her practical and humorous approach to burnout.