Acknowledging our different experiences in the workplace
The Memo by Minda Harts
I listened to Minda Harts’ The Memo twice. I have re-written this piece numerous times. One word that I would normally use often I am trying to avoid here: the word ‘understanding’. I can learn and be aware and I hope I can display empathy but without living the depth of Minda’s experiences I cannot claim understanding.
I wanted to read The Memo to learn more about the experiences of Black women in the workplace. I knew enough about my own privilege in terms of my education and income to realize that my burnout journey would not resonate with every career mom. I wanted to include more diverse stories in my book so that women from different backgrounds felt seen and realized they were not alone. I wanted to help companies prevent burnout for working moms, and I was aware the experiences of the workplace for Black women was very different than for White women. But I did not realize all the ways it was different.
“What does this white lady know about struggling at work? She wrote a career book from a place of privilege, and she already had a seat at the table, so leaning in was easier. …. black and brown women were dealing with systemic racism that prevents us from using our voice to speak on subject matters like support for working mothers or the wage gap, because we often aren’t yet at “the table.”
The first time I listened to The Memo I was not acutely aware of my White privilege. The second time I listened to The Memo was after reading Nice Racism by Dr DiAngelou and taking some time to reflect and journal about my White privilege. In my first reading, Minda’s criticism of books written by White women jarred. I was a White woman trying to write a book about burnout. Was I wasting my time? Was it not needed? Her critique of Lean In, for example, surprised me because I found it a helpful book. In fact, when I asked for a pay equity review across our whole department and my male colleague asked if I had been reading Lean In, I proudly answered yes. Lean In reminded me that I while I was working, I was providing a valuable role model for my kids, both my daughter and son. It reassured me that I was teaching them different skills about a working household that would be valuable to them in future. Lean In was assuaging my guilt about working. I had chosen to work in a competitive, male dominated and all consuming field that affected our home life. I had a choice.
Here is the first difference. The concept of the working mother is not new to Black households and is not often a choice. For many, it has been the only way of life possible for centuries. As Dani McClain explains in her book, ‘We live for the we’, Black working mothers can’t afford to feel guilty or indulge in self pity. They have to set up their household and lifestyle to work around their potentially multiple jobs, they have to live as a ‘we’.
I heard three messages very clearly from my first reading. 1) Whenever you present data about women, also present the statistics for Black women. They may not always be available and that is a problem in itself. But I could seek out more data. And reports such as the State of Black Women in Corporate America by Lean In and McKinsey provide many important statistics. For example that Black women earn 62 cents to a man’s dollar. 2) Black women needed White women to do better by them. So that started my journey of trying to learn what did I need to do. 3) Elevate the voice of Black women. It reminded me that I needed to blog about this book written by a Black women, in the same way I was blogging regularly about books written by White women. It took me a while to find the courage to write this. I am sorry. I am learning. I will do better.
In my first reading I found Minda’s practical advice about networking, negotiating, self advocacy and office politics extremely helpful. I did not feel like I had honed these skills in my academic career and realized I needed them if I was going to succeed in business. I was able to reflect that I had succeeded in my academic career nonetheless with my education and background. Again, the difference being that I considered all these things post burnout, after I had succeeded. For Black women these are needed just to get in the door.
Minda wrote The Memo because she felt like Black women had not received the memo that White women received to help them successfully navigate the workplace. She gave tips about allowing colleagues to see your more playful side, about hearing about opportunities during informal events, about setting calendar reminders to connect with your network regularly without a specific ask, to spend 6 months developing a relationship before making an ask. She also provided an excellent rationale for investing in professional development, including coaching, to match your professional attire. She described finding a mentor and a sponsor and developing a career blueprint with goals that you can then develop skills towards. She also talked about working with a therapist, which was not the cultural norm in her community. I have heard this perspective from several Black authors and appreciated in ‘You are your best thing’ how many of the authors shared their therapy experiences, hopefully making this form of support more acceptable.
In my second reading of The Memo, I heard Minda’s stories more distinctly from a position of White privilege. She shared her experience of burnout due to bullying and racism by a White woman in the workplace. And she talked about learning to “Lean Out” and see when a situation would not get better despite her hard work and resilience. In my second reading, it resonated that White women were not advocates. From Nice Racism I had learned that White progressive women, like myself were a huge part of the problem.
Minda owns letting white women get away with bad behavior, but she is now rescinding that pass. Her first call out is to not assume we are experiencing same thing because of our gender. I realized that I in my first reading I did not believe that in this day and age hair and names were still an issue. In my second reading, I realized that I was frustrated when men did not believe gender inequality was still an issue, yet I was assuming the same thing about Black women’s experiences. I read on LinkedIn endless posts about these issues and it help me actually see the profound impact on so many people of color. Thanks to those people for posting. So Minda says don’t talk to Black women about their hair. Drop labels such as articulate or angry. Acknowledge the differences in our experiences. Recognize that some of our feminist heroines could be racists.
Here’s Minda’s list of how to be a success partner, as she considers the term ally inappropriate:
-If you serve in a position to be able to increase the success of Black women, attend an ERG, get to know Black women in the office, consider them for leadership.
-Don’t talk about diversity unless you have women of color in your organization or who come to your home.
-Invite women of color to talk about diversity and pay them.
-Don’t criticize women of color for not being supportive of other women of color.
-Don’t call yourself woke as self awareness is an ongoing process.
-Read The Memo and other stories from women of color.
Some of the tips from Rachel Ricketts on what to do also include:
-Point out to White women the Black women who are experienced and equipped to solve the problem.
-Share why anti-racism work is important for everyone.
-Share what you have learned from Black educators.
-Stand up against racism at work, at home, at school.
-Do your own personal work around anti-racism and process your emotions privately.
-Stop centering the story around Whiteness.
https://medium.com/iamrachelricketts/why-white-womxn-need-to-get-out-the-way-f9a99d0d9b03
I am still working on this list, especially the latter. I really enjoyed Minda’s candor, her song lyric references and her reference to Game of Thrones; ‘The White Walkers are coming whether you believe it or not’ made me laugh out loud! Thanks to Minda and other women of color for taking the time to teach White women these skills and including us in a book on how to improve Black women’s chances in the workplace.
