How to stop burnout before it starts
TEDxMcMasterU Talk March 5th 2022: https://youtu.be/9YY0gVnVPoQ
If you were a dessert, what would you be? Rich like a dark chocolate mousse, light like a Fairy Cake or complicated like a baked Alaska? What would you be? As a mom, scientist and burnout survivor I discovered I was a baked Alaska.
It all started 4 years ago, when my husband took our daughter to the pediatrician. I had held her hand for every previous visit but that day, like so many other working moms, I had an unavoidable work conflict. When they got home, I was busy cooking dinner. My husband was so proud but I could not bring myself to say thank you because no one ever thanked me for all I did. I didn’t know I was burned out and we had a fight. “It’s not my fault you no longer have friends or hobbies”. He was right, even my love of cooking was now a daily chore.
That night I wanted to escape it all and I wrote letter to my son and daughter on my phone. It was January 3rd 2018. I couldn’t face another year of sleepless nights, constant stress, feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad colleague. My back teeth were cracked, my cortisol levels were high and my work as a public health professor no longer had meaning. I still look back at that letter on my phone, it was full of great advice to my kids that I needed to take myself: the most important being – it’s ok to ask for help.
As my husband indicated, I needed an outlet away from work and home. So I enrolled in a stand up comedy class. The homework was watching comedians. Who doesn’t want that? I was a mother letting out a frustrated primal scream, mostly at Alexa. One of my classmates, a young Latino man, was coming out to his Catholic grandmother through Disney showtunes. All of us were trying to find our voice.
For the past 4 years, when I am not working or mothering, I have dedicated myself to sharing my experience so others do not feel alone. I have read hundreds of books and articles, interviewed experts on my podcast, and watched amazing Ted talks. I learned to express my emotions and that my love language is positive affirmations. I learned to let go of being an authoritarian parent through improv comedy.
But as I researched about how to be a better manager, I learned about the barriers mothers face in the workplace and society at large. Mothers of color, single moms, and same sex parents face barriers that I haven’t. I learned that job burnout is recognize by the World Health Organization, but there is also caregiver burnout, emotional burnout and parental burnout
No wonder so many working moms are exhausted, resentful and ready for change. And I realized that with my 2 decades as a public health, behavior change scientist who had empowered patients, teams and communities to change that that I could also empower each of you to prevent working mom burnout through individual, organizational and cultural change.
Before I tell you about the problem, some solutions, and how to use behavior change science to help you take action now let me tell you about my husband’s biking accident.
Last September, when my husband broke his leg badly in 2 places, I experienced that added burden of caregiving. There was me thinking I did it all but when he was stuck immobile for 3 months, boy did I realize how much he normally did to help me. During this time, we watched a lot of the TV show The Great British Bake Off.
And one day as a contestant blow torched a baked Alaska, it came to me, that’s what working mom burnout is like; we’re trying to protect this delicious ice-cream in the middle, while being blow torched to perfection on the outside. It’s a recipe for disaster.
But a baked Alaska can also help me explain the social layers that influence our behaviors; the Social Ecological Model that guides my science. At the bottom, holding it all together is the cake. Now we all know that’s the moms, right. The next level, in my baked Alaska is the fruit. That sweet stuff is our families, our interpersonal relationships. The cold ice-cream, that’s our work, education and healthcare institutions. And surrounding that is the burnt meringue, society with its laws, economic forces, and perfect IG posts.
But in the layers that influence social systems the most, there are few mothers represented. In the US in 2021, only 8% of Fortune 500 CEOs were women, only 20% of news sources were women, and only 24% of senators were women. These are the statistics for women, they are lower for women of color, and they would be lower for mothers, if they were ever recorded. It’s not because we’re not capable, it’s because we are left out and burned out. Did you know women led companies are 3x more profitable, but last year only 2% of venture capital funds were given to women? Did you know female physicians have better surgical outcomes and are more likely to save a life in the emergency room, but they are 250% more likely to attempt suicide? I am in the top 1% of most cited scientists worldwide and I am a burnout survivor. How is burnout affecting you, your family, your employees, your colleagues?
We’re all overworked and burnout at any level is damaging. In the US, there are almost 5 million preventable cases of burnout in working parents alone. One of the biggest stressors for parents is high cost and scarcity of childcare. Paid leave is also not available in the US, to all caregivers and even if it were, men would not feel free to take it. Men are also trained by social expectations to be the provider. My husband works so hard to provide for our family. He only took 2 days leave for each child.
Many moms leave work to look after their children because they are paid less than their partners or co-parents. This is the motherhood penalty and the fatherhood bonus. For every dollar a man is paid, women are paid between 69 and 82 cents. Moms are doing 20 extra hours a week in unpaid labor in the home. That’s equivalent to a part time job. We need pay equity at work and in the home.
Lack of reward is a major cause of workplace burnout. Mothers are promoted less than Dads, or childless men and women. This is the maternal wall. Mothers are judged as less committed to their careers but data shows mothers spend more time taking care of our teams’ well-being, tasks not included in performance reviews. Managers still tell us we should be at home with our family and curtail travel opportunities without asking. Yet how many moms would love that quiet bath at the end of the day in a work paid hotel room?
Instead advertising shows working moms as super heroes but we feel guilty all the time! One of my male colleagues who shares the parenting load equally said it best; I do exactly the same tasks as my wife but without the guilt. It’s real. When I chaperone a school field trip people admire me while my wife is judged for not being there. And when you find yourself pumping breast milk in the toilet at 8pm at a company networking event, you know this system was not designed for your success.
Covid exacerbated these inequalities and moms do not want to wait the 136 years predicted for global pay equity.. We do not want our daughters to have to beat down the maternal wall, to have to break through the glass ceiling, to have to fight over the only broken seat at the table. Dads, what do you want for your daughters?
So how do we change these norms, this system that bind us all? First, we have to admit what is not working. While self care helps you manage the symptoms of stress, I walk my dog everyday. It’s just a band aid. Self care does not solve the structural inequalities that cause burnout.
So here are some example solutions at the individual, organizational and cultural level, you don’t need to do them all, but at least know that there are steps you can each take. I have found these solutions from experts on my podcast, from diversity and equity guidelines, and from the National Academy of Medicine.
If you’re a CEO, role model the behaviors that demonstrate reasonable working hours, try to have meetings outside of school pick up times, subsidize childcare and provide paid leave for all caregivers as a default – the default is the behavioral key to changing norms. And use your power to advocate for government legislation that supports these benefits for your people.
If you’re a manager create teams that hold each other accountable to hire and promote more diverse leaders, based on a system of structured interviews and objective criteria, and measure team well-being as a key performance indicator. Even putting pictures of your female leaders on the walls, in rooms where important decisions are made helps cue the behaviors that reduce bias. If you address the causes of burnout you will prevent the costly loss of talent and improve diversity.
Moms, we need the men in our lives to step up but you can also take charge. Sometimes you have to change your job. I changed mine. But if you stay, when it is safe to do so practice asking, ‘would you say that to a Dad’? The Fight Gender bias cards from Lean In provide key counter behaviors to help you take a stand. At home use the Fair Play cards to review the 100 physical and mental tasks of parenting and managing the household and then share them out among the family and trust them to lighten your load.
Moms you deserve more of a break than that quiet bath. Shortly before my husband’s accident, I took a week off from parenting to focus on my mission of preventing working mom burnout. I took no responsibility for those 100 physical and mental tasks of parenting and managing the household for a whole week. And you know what? My brain began to work again! And I regained the confidence that I could make a difference and I gained energy that helped me support my husband’s recovery.
A coach can help you take that break. They provide perspective and permission to let go of unreasonable expectations and to set boundaries, allowing you to take back control. Ask your employer to subsidize a coach because personal development is professional development. It’s a worthwhile investment because you can also learn to coach others. See mothers have skills forged during child rearing: compassion, collaboration, creativity, that can help us lead the teams of the future. Dads would have these skills if they were given a chance to spend more time with their infants. Neuroscience shows their brains would change too. That broken leg changed my husband’s perspective and we both say thank you more often.
Imagine if you could thrive not survive. What if you didn’t have to make excuses to take your loved one to the doctor? What if it felt safe to talk about your mental health at work? What if you could bring your whole self to work? Society will benefit. The economy will benefit. Families will benefit.
Today, I want each of you to commit to a small goal in your home, workplace or community. I have provided the ingredients, the behaviors you can change. Just pick one that you feel confident you can do. Will you show courage and ask for help? Will you offer to give a mother a weekend break? Will you share your struggles so others feel safe to share theirs? Will you prioritize team well being?
Whatever you choose, remember that half baked, good intentions don’t lead to action. You also need the recipe, a behavior change guide. What will you change, when, where, how will you practice, who will be your role model, your accountability partner, how will you cue your new behavior, how will you measure and celebrate your success? For each of my podcast guests, I create a free recipe card, a step by step guide, to help you succeed in actioning their solutions for overcoming working mom burnout. And for companies, learning collaboratives can help you experiment and find out what works like a behavior scientist does. Through a process of peer support, pilot projects, target behaviors, and evaluation cycles.
To have the biggest impact you need to follow a plan, to create a long term habit that becomes automatic, that changes the system. If you start today, you can change a mother’s life and her child’s future.
