What does mom burnout look like and how can we alleviate it?
1) What are some examples of Mom Burnout that women might not recognize at first?
Moms can be experiencing job burnout, parental burnout or even caregiver burnout. Parental burnout is when you don’t enjoy your role as a parent, some parents can find work as a break from this strain. Job burnout is recognized by the WHO, and is particularly common in moms because the conditions that lead to burnout defined by Dr Maslach are lack of autonomy and flexibility, unfair pay and promotions, and lack of psychological safety. Moms experience the maternal promotion wall and the motherhood pay penalty both which can lead to burnout. They are considered uncommitted which results in them having to keep re-proving their worth. Compulsion to prove yourself is the first stage of burnout in Freudenberger and North’s 12 stage model and working harder does not result in the same rewards for women. Or if you do reach the top like me, you are burned out!
You also have to recognize personality traits so if you are a perfectionist and people pleaser you could be doing that at home and work which is why you might suffer from burnout in both places.
A really key symptom of burnout for moms to recognize is resentment and frustration at small things. Moms can experience a brain fog. But you can also be tired but wired and unable to switch off. Usually our minds keep going until our body gives out. So many women realize they are burnout when some physical happens, like a panic attack or more severe illness.
It’s such an important topic to address because burnout can be accompanied by suicide ideation which I experienced. The problem is, when a mom dies by suicide her child is 3x more likely to suffer the same fate. We really have to do something to support moms!
2) How can women restructure their lives to alleviate Mom Burnout?
In my TEDx talk I recommend solutions at the individual, family, work and societal levels.
Individual moms need to invest in a coach, or get their work to subsidize one. They need perspective to let go of unreasonable expectations and permission to do less. I coach can help you set boundaries.
In families, I suggest the Fair Play system by Eve Rodsky to share the 100 mental and physical tasks of parenting and running the household. I also suggest moms take a long break, I try to get a week away from the family every 4 months. I do work on my burnout mission during this break, but just a break from the 100 tasks helps my brain work and reminds me I can do this.
At work companies need to adopt systems of fair pay and promotion, through team decisions, structured interviews, and objective criteria. If companies make well being a KPI then all the conditions will improve and systemic change will happen.
At a societal level we need to stop calling moms super heros and set reasonable expectations for what a mother is. We don’t want to role model to our daughters being a martyr to motherhood. One interest I developed away from home and work was improv comedy.
