S3 E50: Using emotional intelligence to prevent burnout
with author and therapist Farah Harris
Key Takeways
I love the recycled pieces. Cos I think sometimes we feel parts of our lives are wasted or that we have resentment or regret. But I really believe that there are so many moments that we may not realize, now, are going to be beneficial to our future selves.
Part of the emotional intelligence work that I do is to be self-aware, in everything that you're doing, what's feeding you, what's fueling you? What's tiring you? Or as Marie Condo says, what sparks joy, does it spark joy? And if it doesn't, it's oh, is there a thing that we can pivot, to shift?
I have a saying that you loan your roles, but you own yourself. So the loan role of wife, or as mother, or as friend, like those may change, you could be a married woman today in a divorce tomorrow. Even your role as mother, the role that you have as a new mom is different from an empty nester. And I find women sometimes lose their identity in their role. And that was not me. And that was never anything I ever wanted. So motherhood is an awkward role for me. I really don't feel like it's ever defined me. The responsibilities of motherhood have caused me however to make decisions as it relates to my career.
This real mix of motherhood and entrepreneurship it's a blessing, but you have to be very mindful to not become resentful. And so I always have to check myself whenever I feel that my kids are pulling me away from new ideas or creative endeavors or my work with my business, and remind myself that my priority of ministries is first mothering over my business. And so there's times where I just have to go we gotta do the mothering first.
You can't be excellent in all the things at the same time. And so if I wanna do something well, sometimes something has to wait. And I've had to just work to move in grace and in acceptance, with myself, when sometimes I don't show up the best in either place.
I want my kids to be able to have a legacy through the work that I do. Being able to have the means to explore the world or be curious about different activities and experiences and me showing up for myself and staying in my identity and saying, mommy is still Farah. She has her own ambitions and her own dreams. I want my kids to see that. But sometimes it's just difficult.
My definition of self care is the intentional daily act of creating a life you don't wanna run away from, but you are going to wanna run away sometimes. You just want to minimize the frequency in which you have this desire. And I will never allow myself to get so burnt out that, as I call some people, I'll see them and how they show up online and I'm like, they are crispy. Like they are burnt into a crisp and it hurts my heart, but I'm also seeing where they did not set boundaries that have caused them to have this.
I love hard to those who are in my circle. And so I even tell them in advocating for myself, if you want me, how you know me to be, if you're coming to me for advice or if you're coming to me to consult on something and I'm not my best self, you're not going to get it. So it actually serves you well, to make sure that I am well. So a short period or short term discomfort or counterintuitive response of being “selfish”, but really you're being selfless is for the long term relationship so that you can actually show up for those that you want to serve. I'm like, if you want me to serve you, you better keep me happy. Find ways to love on me and pour back into me so that I can pour back out into you.
How can I raise my own emotional intelligence to create spaces where people don't have to hide themselves or don't have to use their emotional quotient in a way to assimilate or cause them discomfort and harm? Because they may code switch or have to deal with microaggressions in a way that, doesn't ruffle the feathers of the ones who are causing the aggression and therefore hiding the pain, the disappointment themselves. How could we all raise our EQ so that we're creating these safe spaces.
Emotional intelligence is a skill, a strength skill, not a soft skill. And it helps us to become more agile to change and become resilient. Are your Black employees using this skill more as a survival skillset than a self care skill set. I think the world needs to understand one, the richness, the depth, the breadth that this skill has, that's beyond just being a high performer, that it's a life skill that helps enhance relationships. But as I said earlier, we don't all use it the same way. And so if we're going to talk about training on it, we also need to recognize how you may use it different than I because of where we fall in society. And the more we become aware of those differences and uniqueness aspects of it, I think the more we can show up better and make the world a better place.
So if you're a woman and you're a predominantly male place, you'll use your emotional intelligence differently because it's am I playing on my femininity or am I decreasing it? What clothes do I wear to the office? Do I wear only pants suits to be taken seriously or, all of those things in the way that we think is using our emotional intelligence to figure out how to navigate that space.
But if it causes you to almost disassociate with who you naturally are and who you want to authentically be, then that's not real emotional intelligence and it's not safe. Because it's going to negatively impact your wellbeing. The less you end up being, in these spaces. So I really want people to walk away from this book one, understanding what EQ. Two recognizing the difference in the application. And then three, just being honest with yourself and go can I be better so that another person can show up better.
I find that many DEI practitioners really struggle with burnout. One, because it's just so emotionally labor intensive, but it can be alleviated a little bit or a lot, if one you're aware of your own trauma, right? That you didn't just go into this work blindly. Because I have seen people who they're getting frustrated by it, and then I ask I'm like, have you processed your own, whether racial trauma, sexist trauma homophobia, whatever? And if it's a no, and you wonder why you're just out here bleeding. Like you're just an open wound. So I really advise for there to be therapy along with the work that they're doing, not just to process their past trauma, but their present and persistent and vicarious trauma that they're experiencing.
Many DEI practitioners I see are very isolated. They're alone to do the work. We're gonna point to you that you'll be the one to do all things. Change our culture, do all these things. You've given them this title, this position and they're alone, but not just that they're alone. They try to do certain efforts and activities and initiatives and processes and all other things, and they get their hand slapped away. They get the red tape, they get small budgets or, maybe they do an event, but we're not getting buy in from senior leadership.
But if the organization doesn't change, and this is actually a great example, I know that they're calling it the great resignation, but I would say it's the great awakening. So the organization does not change, but the individual is changing. This is when we see people exit, because I'm recognizing for me, I want a place that values me a place that recognizes that belonging is comparative in the work that is done. And you don't see that. So you're forcing me back into the office, even though it's not necessary. Like you're just so stuck on what the culture was that you don't allow opportunity for there to be changed. So I'm going to now leave and go to another organization.
I don't want you to feel condemned. I want you to feel convicted. Because condemnation is when you hide you have shame, you become defensive low emotional intelligence. And then conviction is awareness that brings about the change because you go, ah, accountability. I recognize where I was wrong. My plan now and take away is to move forward in a different way.
It becomes this check in the box and it's how much do you really want to create a culture that doesn't have this revolving door, of people coming in and coming out and actually trying to create a culture that is not revolving, but evolving and not everybody's there yet. But it's so frustrating because I feel frustrated for the individuals who hear something different who start feeling something different and they wanna know how to start doing something different. And there is not given an opportunity to try and implement their learning because there's no follow up.
With all of your roles as a mom, what does that look like? How can we identify what your values are? Because your values are what helps set those boundaries. What is it that you want? Are we just doing things because this is what others told us we were supposed to do? The narratives of what a working mom and a wife or, is that you, do you want that to be you?
What does boundaries look like when you have to maintain them? Because people don't necessarily have an issue with creating the boundary. It's the maintenance of the boundary. And so with my clients, particularly women, I feel like they struggle more here. What's the why? Why is this here? Why are you putting it in place? So, for example as a working mom, if you value quality time with your children you want to make sure that you're intentionally clocking out.
What did I do for myself today? How did I serve myself today? Again, as mothers we're always serving others. Whether we're serving our children, if we're working moms, then we're serving our workplace depending on what role we play in the workplace. During this time of COVID the almost maternal way we will show up within the workplace. So it's oh, I'll get the extra coffee, I'll get the snacks. And we'll do all these extra things, but what did you do for you? And so I think this practice of serving yourself first, making sure you're filling your cup first is so important for a mothers. So we have to be better self auditors. And ask ourselves the questions every day. How am I serving myself? So that I can be well, live well, and do well.
And for organizations. To make sure that what you say aligns with what you do, and it's not lip service, it is not window dressing. But if you say we are going to work on increasing the diversity in our team there can't be silence in action. If you say that you want to be an anti-racist organization, what is the action step? Because I think that's integrity. Let your word be your bond. So if you say you're going to do something let it not just be abstract or theory. The integrity's in the practice.
Bio
Farah Harris is a Belonging and Workplace Well-being expert and a licensed psychotherapist with over 12 years of experience. She has certifications in neuroscience, Psychological Safety, diversity, equity, and inclusion. She is dedicated to disrupting unhealthy work environments. As the founder of WorkingWell Daily®, a company that approaches workplace belonging and well-being from a clinical and emotionally intelligent lens, Farah has helped individuals and Fortune 500 companies develop healthier workplaces where employees want to stay and thrive because their leaders and teams have grown in empathy, self-awareness, social awareness, and cultural awareness.
As a mental health practitioner and consultant, Farah is aware of the intersectionality between well-being, equity, and inclusion. She is a contributing writer for Fast Company. Her work has been featured in media and podcast platforms such as Forbes, Business Insider, Harvard Business Review, Good Morning America, Essence, Huffington Post, Inside Edition, Thrive Global, and Therapy for Black Girls.
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