S3 E51: Taking time to heal and modeling self care to prevent burnout
with coach Christine Anastasia
Key Takeways
And I was so confused by the acceleration of the healing, by the arrival at work, trying to understand how this is actually possible, that working moms do this every day. I was puzzled by it and I didn't feel it was sustainable. And it was a feeling of like true incongruence. It didn't feel right but I didn't know another way. And I didn't feel like any other working mother that I saw on the train or at my workplace was really complaining or breaking down about it. Everyone just seemed to be really buttoned up.
I was in that mode of being the strong mother, get back to work, try to get this child to keep thriving where I was already in that burnout stage. And I think a lot of working mothers that have young children, if you have them a few years apart, you might not even have been healed from the other child that you had. There's a lot of depletion and depression and anxiety going on.
When I had to return back to work with my second, my employer was removing all of my flexibility, meaning I wouldn't have any more remote days. And I was petrified of that experience going into Boston every single day and I was gonna burn out and I knew that I was gonna burn out and I had that narrative in my daily life. And so what happened? That was what I created.
And so I just started small. So I went to physical therapy and then after that I got myself into to regular therapy and then I just, from there, it was like little incremental steps to start to take care of myself. There's a bombardment of so many other baby products and services that you could use, but there isn't really anything that pairs down, how are we taking care of ourselves as mothers and what can we do to support that?
And what I mean by that is I come from a really long line of strong mothers and even my own mother that never really put a burden on anyone was always a do it yourself. You can take on anything, independent woman, always doing everything for her kids and grandkids and not pouring into herself
I said I'm really gonna do an experiment here and really pour into myself during my pregnancy, slow down, my pace, the volume of my work, the aspects of my life that were stressful before and put in various lifestyle changes. And then I'm gonna set myself up in those early weeks. Everything that was missing in my first two children in that fourth trimester that I really struggled with.
And even the word nourishing, like I don't even feel that a working mom or a mom in modern day society knows what it feels to feel nourished and to feel like her wellbeing is important. And it truly is for you to heal, to get your nervous system back in order. To take that time to figure things out at your own pace without being bombarded with all the pediatricians and specialists and everybody else it's to be seen.
I just hope that I can connect mothers to these resources that help them fill that well up because there's so many that are already arriving at preconception or growing their families depleted and burned out and it's not going to be sustainable. And my biggest thing with this process was I wanna do this for my daughters. If they choose to have children one day, I don't want them to have to carry the burden of just trying to do it under resourced and on a thread. On a small amount of care for yourself.
And the other thing about setting up this support and recognizing in the short term, this is actually affecting the long term is that, when I had both of my other postpartum experiences I was burned out. It took me nearly a year to heal and get my energy back up. What I wanna share with mothers today around this fourth trimester is it could literally be, a month's worth of support that is going to do so much more in the long term for you in terms of your sustainability and helping you to create habits and things that support you in your daily life.
The healing is not a glamorous process. And so much of what I've done the past couple years has been so much boundary work in order to fill my volumes back up. And that's not going to sound very inviting to a lot of people, but my desire to have peace and energy and even come on today with a seven week old in this process of having my third child. I'm arriving here today with a full cup because of all of this work that I've done over the past year and over the past years, because you have to believe that being at peace with yourself and being in your own energy and your body is more important than being in that rat race or the hamster wheel, because I was on that for several years.
There's quite a bit there to unpack as well about the rewriting, the relearning and the teaching to our next kids or the modeling of how we want to be on a daily basis. But there is something very healing among doing that work with your own mother. I've been doing it these past years in subtle ways, and I'm finding that when I'm healing myself, it's actually healing my mother because my light is on. My pregnancy and my fourth trimester. I've seen how my mom has begun to shift and change and many things that she's been dealing with that she's carried. And I think it goes back to her ancestors of what she's been carrying. Different pains, not sleeping, all these things. She's now taking this opportunity through what she's seen through me to say, I wanna try to take some steps to take care of myself.
I said, I'm not gonna go about motherhood in a burned out way and overgive, and try to beat everything to everyone it's just not going to be sustainable. And even if I wasn't articulating it and saying it out loud, I know my mom is seeing it in a way that I'm watering, the growth of me, but it's also gonna translate to my daughters. And my hope is that more working moms say, I want a piece of that growth. I want a piece of changing how I'm running on a daily basis.
I feel that deep down, that person really knows what they want. And they need to be seen and they need that processing to get through the weeds, and sort process and dissect how they can get to their next step. Because working full time and mixing career with your life is like oil and vinegar. And I take the approach of really having empathy for the current situation that working moms are in. And I think that my approach is that I hopefully am the bridge for them, the bridge to get out of that torn state or that stuck state. So they can find a formula that really helps to foster sustainability, more happiness, more joy better relationships.
My formula and what I truly believe is that it really starts with the mom. When the mom is doing well, both physically, mentally, emotionally, and in all these various areas it permeates and lifts all the other areas of your life. And the reason I know that is because when I was in my worst burnout state, every single aspect of my life fell apart. I literally had to clean every closet out and that's how I did it. I looked at it as closets. I said, all right, the first closet I'm looking at is myself. And the one that really needs to take care of myself, cos of course I was resentful that nobody was doing anything because I felt the world was on my shoulders, but it was also, am I really doing anything to take care of my own unmet needs.
So with coaching I just feel sometimes we all arrive at a certain point during motherhood where things aren't working anymore and it's super uncomfortable. And I want women to know that you can find something else that fills you up, like your purpose doesn't have to be in a box of 40 to 50 hours working. You can do wonderful things in the world and show up and be a great version of yourself doing all sorts of things, working for an employer, taking on entrepreneurship, volunteering. And the key ingredient is that motherhood shouldn't be a prescription for burnout. Our wellbeing and joy should be lived every day.
I'm in a season right now where, I can take on a couple things that I feel I wanna do in my purpose and in the world. But, there's gonna be seasons or years or phases of your life where you don't always have to be so productive. You might have to do mothering for a bit.
I just found that over time, what I was doing is I was overgiving and accommodating family members and my employer and all these different things, to the extent where there really wasn't any of my own needs of what I wanted or my decisions being seen or heard.
And over time I just learned that that was a really defeating and uncomfortable state to be in. And so again, just like the other process of starting out small, I ended up not going to a lot of things. I just said you know what, I'm tired and I'm not going to go to this family event because I need to take care of myself. it was for all intensive purposes being like a cycle breaker.
You need to figure out a way to throw the life jacket or throw the lifesaver to somebody and still meet your own needs. There's something in the middle there. And I think now, even with my third child, I don't over give anymore. I look at people's needs and I say like, how do we meet in the middle? I'm not trying to go all the way over to the other side. And I'm finding that's a better balance for me, because it feels more authentic and it feels like then that relationship is being met in the middle and not one person is going too far out. And the other big thread with that is accepting all these people in your life without trying to change them.
Boundary work is challenging. If you are recovering people pleaser, or just, general mother of today that, we're all conditioned to be human givers. It is a lot of work, but I think when you get to that point where you know what your capacity is, and what boundaries that you need to have, it actually gives you more energy because all your energy isn't out outside of you, you actually are conserving something for yourself.
And I hope that through the work that I'm doing and hopefully, my own being an example of the modeling as well, that there is something more to our daily lives where reaching for joy and reaching for happiness and enjoying both our families and our work is going to be the way of the future. And I think that ties into everything that we're seeing through this pandemic. I think that will raise our mental health, our emotional state and just how we are connected as humans.
Bio
I am a Master Certified Life Coach and also a young working parent. I am a mom of three, Emma (6) and Zoe (3) and Alexander (3 months). My coaching services and group programs help new moms and busy moms juggling work and raising a young family. At their core they want to be the best versions of themselves. I help moms prioritize their wellbeing in motherhood so they can thrive.
My goal is to provide more foundational support systems so you can tackle each step of motherhood with a bit more grace, self compassion, and an open heart. It's like having a guided light night and mom mentor as you slog through the sleep deprivation periods. My services are unique in that I am using my first hand experience as a young working parent. You will meet the moment where you are and find your next step that is authentic to you.
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