S4 E66: Creating family and work systems that bring your energy
with co-parenting Dad and researcher Jasper Schipperijn
Key Takeways
So obviously the situation started with my ex-wife and I getting divorced. So after an initial period where obviously we were angry with each other and didn't want to have much to do with each other, we realized that there were actually still a lot of things where we saw things in the same way and had the same ideas about what we wanted for both our lives and our futures. But found it very difficult to do that individually. So now we have a situation where we are at least three adults that can take care of a lot of the tasks that we have here at home. It takes a lot of time and because we are more adults, we can do that and it gives us the opportunity to enjoy that part of our lives, but still at the same time because we can share it, it gives us still the flexibility to work, to travel. We just need to plan that.
So Quintus is 14 now, and just before he turned six, he was diagnosed with Type one diabetes. Which is an autoimmune disease that comes as a total surprise strangely enough science still doesn't really know why it happens and what causes it, but it happens literally overnight. Sometimes I had to wake up 10 times during the night to either check his insulin, give him more insulin, or give him something to eat during the night. And then you still had to go to work. You still had to go shopping and do all those other things that single parents do. In our current situation, things are easier. And we still try to plan beforehand so that we are very clear about who's responsible today.
Here in Denmark, a new law was introduced that now makes it mandatory for the father to take some of the maternity leave. That otherwise until about a month ago, parents could choose if it would go to the mother or their father. I had three months paternity leave. I think it's the best thing. Every father should do that because I think it really makes a difference. And probably I think all fathers should be forced to do that. Because I think at least for me, I definitely learned all of a sudden, oh my God, this is a lot of work and it really is having a small child that cannot do anything by himself or herself, and you were responsible.
And I can still remember, even though it was many years ago now, the first week I was so incredibly tired in the evening. I guess a lot of fathers would say when they come home to their partner who's on maternity leave, you haven't done very much today. I've thought that. I definitely learned the hard way that first week. Oh, it's actually really hard work being at home with an infant. It's more the mental responsibility that is actually what is so tiring. The fact that you can't relax when you are watching an infant.
So I think that forcing fathers to do that and realize how much work it is to be responsible for a young child. I think that should be mandatory for all fathers. It definitely changes the way you see those tasks. I think you get a lot more appreciation for what your partner is typically doing. And at the same time, I think it really improves the bond as a father you have with your child.
Even though I had this parental to leave and I got the experience of a semi single parent at that time, a few years later when we got divorced I truly got that experience of a single parent. I think to a large extent that has probably had the biggest impact on the way that I personally perceive parental responsibilities. It's not so much about the spending the time or the effort, it's more about the mental, who picks up the responsibility if I don't do it? It's very easy for the father to fall back on oh yeah, I can do that appointment because someone else is at home and my partner will pick up the slack. I can get out of my responsibility very easily. Whereas if you are in a situation where that is not possible, you learn what does this mean to be responsible? And even though I think a lot of us think that we're quite good at multitasking. It definitely becomes a whole different level if you have all these other things that are not job related as well. Things that when you think about it, are actually much more important.
I like that idea. I think I'm going to declare Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays dad days in charge moms can do Tuesday, Thursday, Saturdays. And if that became the norm, rather than us thinking about Tuesday is Taco Tuesday that we say here in the US. How about instead of focusing on the food for once, we're saying no, Tuesday is Dad Tuesday. And that's the norm that we talk about. That would be great.
This might be very shocking to some American listeners, is higher taxes. And I know perhaps that sounds very Bernie Sanders style type of things. But if you flip it upside down and you look at the Scandinavian countries where a lot of the things that seem very extreme in other countries, not in place in the US, they have been the norms for 30, 40, 50 years in some of the Scandinavian countries. And it seems to work at least to a larger extent. There is good cheap childcare available, and if you have low income, then childcare is basically free. What does that mean? That means that it's very normal in Scandinavia for both parents to work. Why? Because there is good quality childcare that is affordable and close by
Recently there have been cutbacks in a lot of public sectors that all of a sudden we also start to have problems with there is not enough staff in nursing homes and obviously with aging populations as everywhere, that is a problem because the number of people needing care in a nursing home is only going up. I would be very happy to pay more taxes if I would know that when my mother-in-law needs more care, it would actually be available to her.
My boss has four children and his wife probably has at least as impressive a career he does. And he, from the beginning was very clear about if we can't balance work in life, if we are not able to make this work, even though we have small children, then we're doing something wrong. And one of his leadership philosophies that I think has really made a difference for our research group and definitely to the way that I work at the moment, and also hopefully the things that I can give forward as a leader myself now is that his philosophy was as academics, we should be doing the things that we think are fun. If it's not fun, if we don't like what we're doing, we shouldn't be doing it.
We should be doing the things that give us energy. We're all individuals. We're all very well educated. We can basically do whatever we set our mind to, but not everything we can do gives us a lot of energy. Whereas if we work as a team and we focus on, okay, what is it that gives you energy? Probably your colleague within the same team has something different that gives them energy. And I think again we have created a culture in our workplace. Where is that we discussed this very openly. We're very open about not two persons are the same. And we all need to thrive by doing the things that give us energy individually.
I think what is important to remember in all of this as well, is that, it is not in any way admitting defeat or saying that you can't do something because of course you can. We can do whatever we set our minds to, but some of it will cost a lot of energy and will bring us down, whereas other things will give us a lot of energy and will really help us rise up. You're just admitting primarily to yourself what really drives you? How you can navigate in the system and find your place together with your colleagues so that all of you can look good.
A good team, cannot work together if you don't know each other. So investing time in getting to know each other and knowing who someone's partner is, who their children are, what drives them outside of work it helps you understand who that person is and I think if everyone invests a little bit of time in that, cuz it doesn't actually take that much time if everyone invests a little bit of time in that, it makes all of you better colleagues, which makes it easier to work together. Which then again, in a little bit longer term, makes you as the team much more productive. So it's investing time in that, in realizing that it's worth doing.
And coffee and cake is part of that. It's a good reminder also to celebrate your successes. It shows that you have a human interest in your colleagues, which again, makes working together a lot easier. You're spending a lot of time at work, try to think about what it is actually that makes you tick and drives you, and try together with your colleagues and your boss to focus on making that the most important part of your job.
Bio
Jasper Schipperijn is a Professor in Active Living Environments at the University of Southern Denmark. His research interests revolve around two main topics 1) conducting multi-disciplinary intervention studies to create active living environments and 2) developing tools and methods that make it possible to measure active living and the environment it takes place in.
Apart from his role at the University of Southern Denmark, Jasper is President of the International Society for Physical Activity and Health. As ISPAH president, he actively contributes to ISPAH mission to advance and promote physical activity as a global health priority through excellence in science (research), education, capacity building and advocacy.
Jasper has published over 140 peer-reviewed articles and numerous reports and popular publications. Jasper has an extensive international network with ongoing collaborations with various international partners, in particular in Australia (the Telethon Kids Institute, RMIT University, Deakin University) and New Zealand (Auckland University of Technology).
Providing guidance and support for PhD students from research groups around the world working with GPS-based measures of activity behaviour is an important part of his job, and the past years he has hosted 16 foreign PhD students working with this method.
Links to Additional Resources
